"You can observe a lot by watching." -Yogi Berra

Tag: TESOL (Page 1 of 2)

The Real China: Conclusion

The ultimate travel fantasy is not to any place, but to the foreign country of the past, to see the people who lived in one’s home country and culture in their shockingly ancient yet familiar form. The language could be understood and the traditions recognized, but the words used and the way people were would be the most fascinating difference.

My desire to see China was not a longing to live in another hemisphere where the people’s faces looked different and they lived in more exotic architecture. I wanted to see China because I wanted to see what it was like to be human without being a modern American. I wanted life without the restraints of American assumptions. All of our culture and language has a precedent, and I wanted to be in a society that had grown from different roots.

Would the people’s facial expressions and voices be the same as I was used to- in general- only substituting strange-sounding words? Would I feel a natural connection with people and make friends across cultural barriers? Would I feel at home away from home? Would I find my niche? How would things feel differently from the way I had always assumed the world was?

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Going to China was not just time spent abroad, a résumé highlight or adventurous gap year. It was life lived among people with completely different hearts, minds, and habits. Things overlapped, as human customs everywhere will, but in colloquial terms these people had no interest in football tailgates, processed foods, hip-hop music, or the American dream. (Well, if you want to be difficult, many Chinese families do dream of sending a child to America for college, and it seems as if as many Chinese as possibly can do emigrate out of China into whatever clean and wealthy country they can get into, with America traditionally at the top of that dream list, but that is not to say that the typical person in urban or semi-urban China conceives of life in American terms.)

In many ways, it was a relief to be there, and I savored the luxuries of Chinese life. By that I mean it was a luxury to find reprieve from the cultural nuisances I lived with in America. In China, the people might have had loud phone conversations in small, public spaces (e.g. the elevator or taxi cab) but my brain had no idea what they were saying. I did not have to involuntarily eavesdrop the way I do with all the rude, sometimes scandalous private conversations I overhear in America.

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Another great thing, I only had a guest spot in Chinese society, so it did not stress me to hear people boast about their status. I had no idea, again, what it meant when they advertised the name of their university or the corporation they worked for. “Good for you,” I would tell them without envy. No one I met in China really had what I wanted, so proclamations of personal success rolled off me like water off a…Peking duck before it was killed and roasted- when it had water-wicking feathers, that is.

My acquaintances were not pursuing the American dream- a big house in the suburbs with a big yard, big cars, big salary, and big retirement fund- they were after the Chinese dream- moving to a big, crowded city with job opportunities at mostly depressing jobs, living in a dingy apartment, having one male child, having a foreign car that was inconvenient to park and dangerous to drive, and either getting rich from a non-stop work schedule or from Communist Party funds. I did not want what the Chinese were after, so it made it easy for me to shrug off the competition.

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I also savored being around young people who tried to dress in a youthful way rather than an older, sexier way, whose appearance was modest in that they wore simple clothes that covered rather than showed off their bodies, modest in that their attitudes and actions were carefree and without worldly cynicism. The people did not often assert themselves and their identity. In China, when an authority figure or respected leader admonished the people, they listened. They may not have followed, and too often the things they did follow were the irrational words of a demagogue meant to cow the people, but as a people they felt oneness with each other and tried to band together.

That seems like ugly naivety to say that, I know, like I have come around after all my criticism to apologize for China’s brutal authoritarian state, but my meaning is the sense of place felt by the common man. Everyone in China seemed like a part of a whole, or at least the people I met uniformly expressed a strong connection to their Chinese identity. The phrase “We Chinese…” was used to begin many declarative sentences, and it was never a question if the individual saying it could speak on behalf of “we, the Chinese people.” Coming from a land of individualism, alienation, and identity politics, that seemed amazing.

And from the schools and students I saw, there were no obvious cliques of outcasts, rebels, or sharply defined popular kids. Making friends seemed so easy when every student spent their day with the same 30-50 classmates and they all saw school not as a social gaming table but as a serious work with coveted rewards of choice schools and jobs.

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I was relieved not to be around the darkness and apathy of American individualism, where not one thing can be said, not one value can be preached, without the strife of vulgar internet message boards and self-justifying arguments. In a fractured society, every piece has sharp edges; they cannot be put together with incompatible pieces. I could better tune out the hostile words in China because I could not understand more than a small fraction of what was spoken. It was up to me to search out the English language materials of my choice. I was free from the bombardment of slang terms that grow like bacteria off of the internet, pop music, and television. No one in China ever told me, out loud, “LOL,” “awesome sauce,” “that rocks my face off,” or insulted my ignorance of the newest shorthand terms for drugs and sex acts. No one, except for people in Shanghai and Hong Kong- possibly– ever judged me for my clothes, for not wearing cool jeans and shoes, or for wearing my shirt tucked into my pants “like an old man.”

China, a land or loud crowds and pollution, was in many ways my place of solitude. I escaped the tyranny of American culture that had left me a pariah in my own hometown. I knew I would not be excluded or shunned the same way in China because the people did not know how to judge me.

My essays on China were not written for personal judgment, but for comment and critique of culture. I write not so much about China as about why people do what they do, how they live, and what are the observable consequences in a people’s culture. The perspective I gained in China I apply to my view of every culture, including my own. China happened to be the place where I lived, the place I commented on, but if you have been reading closely, you will have noticed that this commentary critiqued America sharply, too, and the broader cultural forces that are universal to all societies.

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Back to the dream of traveling to the past. I would like to do this for the same reasons I went to China. All the documents and artifacts and the way the scholars, historians, journalists, filmmakers, and writers have described the past- is it true? Or more exactly, how close is it to the truth? What would the people really be like? Live like? Talk like? If they used English, how well would I understand them? Our dictionaries overlap, but from the way the people of earlier times wrote, I can tell they think, believe, and speak in fundamentally different ways than the people I live with today. I do not wish to escape to the past, but I would like to see it, be immersed in it, and let my observations and intuition shape my perspective. That is what I have done with China.

The real result is that there was much to be offended with in the country that I looked to with such airy anticipation. But if a man expects to live in any society, he either has to believe in it and be a part of it, or he has to make peace with his unhappy conscience and abide in a small niche of a corrupted whole. I could not accept the corruption of China. I could not smile and say the good outweighed the bad. I think I have long desired to depart the United States for much of the same reasons.

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I am convinced that, if Americans from before our grandparents’ generation could see their homeland today, their strongest impression would not come from our computers, our convenient home appliances, or our city infrastructure. They would not be most surprised by a child using a smart phone or families traversing interstates in a hybrid car. Instead, they would be shocked by the way children talked to their parents and the way parents talked to their children. They would be taken aback by how all the easy technology had isolated people and made their minds dependent, how it had changed basic attitudes and behavior. I am sure they would question the widespread example of parents who were modeling a conformist, materialistic lifestyle for their children. Personal music devices and DVD players would not be as amazing as the language and content of the material being played. The amazement of smart phones would sour when it was seen how much they spoiled dinners and conversations.

Americans from the past might fall prey to the quick and facile lifestyle of microwaved meals and instant entertainment- human nature dictates they would- but I imagine that the first impressions of many would mirror my observations in China. I was not so surprised at the different vehicles being driven on Chinese city streets, but in the willingness of the drivers to run me over. People mattered most, not technology.

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I was not confused by the sound of the Chinese people’s words, but by the volume and aggression they were regularly spoken with. I expected to see poverty, but what most alarmed me was how a brand new hospital building could be overwhelmed with loitering families who filled the just-opened lobbies with dirty blankets and careless trash. Foreign technology and television had made its way into China, and the ingestion of electronic media was very familiar to me. The car had made its way even to the smallest towns I visited (I was told by my two Australian friends that only about five years before our town had one traffic light and no cars). Technology in China and the outward forms of buildings and cities- while often very different- were familiar to me in their basics and not surprising at all. What shocked me about Chinese streets was not the way they looked different, but the way people spat and urinated on them. An American-born Chinese person (“ABC” in both Chinese and Chinese-American slang) can instantly be told apart from her Chinese-born peers not by her iPhone and Nike clothes, which can be bought in China, too, but by the way she wears her clothes and the way her face looks.

The point of observing culture- the point of this whole effort- is not to be found in a bloodless survey of outward modes of living. The point is to see the outworking of human thought and human hearts. My Aunt Fong would always tell me “China need time,” a strange apology from a civilization always boasting about its most ancient character, but no, I thought, China need reform- foundational reform that comes from the reform of people’s hearts

Since leaving, I have vacillated between foreswearing China forever and making a return someday to see Aunt Fong and try and find a better way of living there. I love Aunt Fong like my mother, and I talk to her every week over the computer. I also long to see all the friends and students I met in China again. I imagine being able to start new relationships with them, having my heart refined by experience and renewed hope. But I also keep in mind that China is still much the same place as I left it. I might be admired by the people there, but most of them can only giggle and gawk at me, perhaps asking me about my favorite NBA team and whether I can use chopsticks.

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I do plan on seeing Aunt Fong again- how could I not? My dilemma now is how long to stay in China and what to travel there for. A one or two-week vacation is not worth the expense or time of a twenty hour flight in my opinion. A stay longer than a month would require a visa sponsorship; I would need to have work in China. I hesitate to do that because of the misery I already experienced standing in front of a Chinese classroom. As much as I respected my elementary school music teachers and participated in their classes, that is how much my Chinese students responded to me. To my former teachers: I have done my penance. I see what I was like. I am sorry.

I was always hoping to see more of the church in China. I have asked Aunt Fong to help me find a way to observe the house churches and meet with them. She has helped me get peaks inside a few churches in what turned out to be frustrated visits. Perhaps, God willing, that hope will fully come to fruition.

For now, I am where I am. I daily dream about finding a new culture to live in and observe, or I think through how best I should get to work from my home base in Iowa writing about my experiences already. Eventually, I hope to find a place where I can be at peace and believe in what I am doing, not so much because I have found the right location, but because I have been refined and found people that I want to join together with as one culture.

Thank you for reading and commenting.

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Christmas in China

December isn’t the Christmas Season in China. Well, it is in some ways, surprisingly, but the people aren’t taken with the Christmas Spirit as Americans were once upon a time.

Walking through the shopping streets in the early dark of winter, I began to notice more and more window decoupage displays of white paper snowflakes over red and green backgrounds. Next to the fashion mannequins, there might have been stacks of presents wrapped in shiny paper, and the whole scene would be advertised with text that read “Ho! Ho! Ho!” or misspelled, gibberish renderings of “Merry Christmas” and other holiday greetings. If a store had a Santa dummy (the Chinese called him Christmas Man), he would usually be dressed in gold or red, maybe silver, and he was always playing the saxophone. I asked one of my students why Santa was always playing the sax, and I received the only answer one can give to such a question: “I don’t know.”

CUH-RIS-A-MERS MAN!

CUH-RIS-A-MERS MAN!

"M-R-R-E everyone!"

“M-R-R-E everyone!”

The surprising part of Christmas in China, to me, came when I devoted lessons to Christmas, asking students what they knew about it and how people celebrated. My classes knew the melody of “Jingle Bells” and a few other classics, which seemed natural enough, and they also shared the new Chinese tradition of giving apples stamped with a Christmas pattern to their friends- stencils of a reindeer or “Christmas Man” surrounded by the Chinese characters for “Merry Christmas.” I found one of these apples in the spring, after losing it in between my refrigerator and kitchen cupboards, and it still had the same color and firmness as the day I received it. I shudder to think what they sprayed or injected their produce with; the bananas were also uniformly yellow.

All the chemicals in Chinese food made my stomach shake like a bowl full of jelly.

All the chemicals in Chinese food made my stomach shake like a bowl full of jelly.

What truly surprised me was when I asked my students as a class, “What do you do for Christmas?” and several of them replied without shyness, “Go to church.” China was still convalescing from Mao and his brand of communism, I thought, and I assumed that like the university professors and public officials who professed the faith, students in school would be hush-hush about church.

Assembling for worship in China, of course, isn’t taken for granted as it is in America, where buildings for every Christian denomination- and then some- can be found within walking distance of every residential area. The public church buildings in China (Three Self Patriotic Movement churches) were registered with the state, and people could openly attend, but state controls hamstrung evangelical efforts and what ministers could preach and teach. It is “the church” with bureaucrats of the Communist Party as head.

Those birds un-caged by state controls, the house churches, were many and various in China, and these were all treated with secrecy for fear of government action (i.e. arrest and imprisonment). So, when I had students freely tell me they were going to attend church with their grandmothers on Christmas, I was taken aback. I was stunned for a moment, and I knew to not ask them what type of church they attended in front of their classmates. Perhaps they went to one of the public churches, and they could share so without reprisal, or maybe it was that they were part of a house church, and attitudes had relaxed to the point that young students thought nothing of discussing it openly. I was left to assume the former, not able to dig into the issue in front of a class of peers, only slowly having my questions about the church in China answered in small increments as time went by. Those small peaks I did get inside church life in China were densely filtered by screens of language and culture.

When I asked my two classes of university students what they were doing on Sunday, the 25th, I heard a groan in reply: “Tests.”

“Tests on Christmas!” I exclaimed, like a claymation character from a Rankin/Bass movie, “That’s terrible.” They concurred.

Earlier that week, I spoke to a Chinese English teacher who told me that one of her fondest school memories was when her foreign English teacher threw a Christmas Party for his students. So, I decided to brighten my students’ day. After they finished their tests, they could come over to my apartment that Sunday for a Christmas Party.

Now, between my two college classes (I had 18 other classes of middle school students), I probably had 45 students, but I did the invitation math I had learned in America and expected 15 people to come, 20 tops, and then only an hour after the official start time. I figured that it would be safe to host the event in my apartment with such a modest crowd, and besides, I had no idea how to reserve a room on campus.

Six o’clock sharp came, official party time, and I had candy and a Christmas cake on the table (cake in China is just like cake in America, only it tastes bad. Imagine the quality of cake you might find in a tawdry convenience store, and that is what cake in China tastes like). I had yet to button up my shirt, but I heard a knock at my door and my phone was beeping with text messages asking me to clarify directions to my apartment. I let the first batch of students in, and from that point on there was a continual stream of new guests. I learned a valuable lesson about Chinese culture that night: if you invite people to a party, they will show up.

Maybe five to seven of my especially anti-social university students didn’t come that night, but the rest of the 45 did come, and some even brought friends. A student who never came to my class (because 10 o’clock was too early in the morning for him) even showed up. At one point, I had over thirty people in my living room. I opened every window to let in the winter wind and try and alleviate the collection of body heat. We could hardly move or hear each other speak, but everyone was in high spirits, with students taking turns to sing solos, and candy and cake being obliterated on and around the table.

A ring of people lined my living room and poured into the kitchen and study.

A ring of people lined my living room and poured into the kitchen and study.

Another thing about cake in China- it’s often double-layered with a thin spread of cream or jelly filling in between, and there is a light, fluffy frosting on the outside. Not unusual for a cake, but the tall and triangular slices, I want to note, carried messy potential inside and out. It would be tricky to eat such a big, sloppy slice as it was, but in China, people do not keep forks or dinner plates in their kitchen. And cake is one food that will cause the Chinese to relent and admit it cannot be eaten sensibly in a bowl with chopsticks, so Chinese bakeries supply cake buyers with a stack of thin, four-inch paper plates and tiny plastic forks that would be better used to spear cheese cubes.

Also, in China, people devour all of your treats. They don't pretend they're uninterested and walk away from leftovers as in American culture.

Also, in China, people devour all of your treats. They don’t pretend they’re uninterested and walk away from leftovers as in American culture.

Big, sloppy cake did not combine neatly with tiny plates and forks. Twenty different mouths slicing cake on my coffee table and struggling to cut it into bites with underpowered forks against handheld, flimsy plates turned my living room into a mess quicker than Old St. Nick could ascend a chimney. I didn’t mind so much, I was too busy trying to accept gifts and play the host by saying hello to the unmanageable mob of people. It was a fantastically big end to the holiday weekend.

The night before, Christmas Eve, I was with Aunt Fong in her hometown, a much larger city than my university town. She took me to a hotel, where a church group had rented a ballroom to put on a Christmas program. People lined the long rows of folding tables, watching the front as new groups came out to sing or speakers shared a teaching or narration. Of course, Aunt Fong had to show me off, so she brought me up front, stuck a microphone in my hand, and had me sing a Christmas song for everyone. Speaking as a man who hates approaching people and feels uncomfortable talking to cashiers at the store, I can say honestly that I was an exceptionally good sport about singing for a ballroom-full of Chinese strangers.

Aunt Fong showing me off. The hat was not my choice.

Aunt Fong showing me off. The hat was not my choice.

I'm the tall blurry one in the back. Aunt Fong is on my right.

I’m the tall blurry one in the back. Aunt Fong is on my right.

After the Christmas program ended, Aunt Fong and I headed toward the shopping district. Meanwhile, my phone received “Merry Christmas!” text messages without ceasing. We were out after ten o’clock at night, but the streets and stores were filled with people, probably more crowded than I had ever seen them in that city. That is a noteworthy event. But no one was caroling or wishing passersby “Merry Christmas!” Instead, it seemed like a tame version of a Mardi Gras festival. Children were buying balloons shaped into spirals and other creative shapes, people were wearing carnival masks, and food vendors were on every street corner. I had a hard time getting my bearings in the midst of the colors, crowd, and confusion, and it felt dreamlike as Aunt Fong pulled me through the streets and shopping malls.

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The next morning, I returned to my university apartment. Grant and Sue, my Australian neighbors on the fourth floor, had invited me over for Christmas dinner. Also, there was Lee Ahram, the Korean teacher, and Theresa, a Chinese student who had studied in Brisbane- Grant and Sue’s hometown. Sue, savvy shopper that she was, had managed to find a countertop toaster oven, probably the only one in the whole city, so she was able to prepare roasted chicken and potatoes for our meal. China, like many countries in Asia, only has gas burners in its residential kitchens; because the only ways people prepare food at home are by boiling or stir-frying (less commonly, foods could also be steamed over a burner, or stewed or braised).

Grant, Theresa, Sue, and Ahram.

Grant, Theresa, Sue, and Ahram.

Western meals were difficult to prepare in China. Besides the difference in produce, it was hard to come by certain ingredients and spices, and there were no ovens to bake anything. People were stuck with bad store-bought cake.

So, Sue’s Christmas dinner was a special meal for a special time for our group of assorted foreigners. We were far from our families at home, which was a daily heartache around the holidays, but we had a bond as strangers in a strange land who pined for a Christmas celebration with some solemnity and familial warmth.

At the end of the meal, Sue brought out plates of Christmas pudding, which I was as eager to see as I was to taste. Being an American, the only pudding I had ever seen was Jell-O pudding, and on rare occasion, bread pudding. I had heard talk about pudding in British media, and I had always assumed it was some formless dessert that only the English could love, and that America should probably send a delegation to tell them to start building some structure into their dishes.

Well, the Christmas pudding was formless, but it was a custard not far off from American pudding. Sue had spooned it over a slice of, I think, fruit cake. I can say for sure it was custard and a slice of dense cake. I thought it was pretty good, but Sue lamented that it didn’t turn out quite right; she had to use a can of not very good custard mix, the only kind she could find.

It was all well and good by me. My time in China was often a lonely and isolated experience; having that mid-year holiday celebration was a reviving oasis.

One of my favorite and Aunt Fong's least favorite photos. The girl on the left was a student of mine named Tiffany.

One of my favorite and Aunt Fong’s least favorite photos. The girl on the left was a student of mine named Tiffany.

Mantis vs. Chinese

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(Continued from Plumbing and Blocks: A Metaphor for Language)
(Part 2/4: The Basics of the Chinese Language)
(Part 1/4: Why I Stopped Learning Chinese)

Why I Stopped Learning Chinese

In college, I had a Chinese professor, teaching a course on China, who boasted that Chinese has the easiest grammar of any language, and if anyone could write a paper identifying a language to demonstrate otherwise, he would give that student an A for the semester. Well, after living among the Chinese and hearing their language daily, also hearing their incessant boasts about how ancient and great their civilization was, how everything was first invented, done, or developed in China (even pizza, preposterously, of all things), and after losing patience with the Chinese way of life, I will offer some hyperbole of my own: Chinese is the worst language I have ever heard. Just the same as there might be some language spoken by a tribe in Papua New Guinea that linguists could contend might have simpler grammar than Chinese, there might be a language on this earth that sounds worse than Chinese, but my ears have not discovered it.

Now “heard” implies listening to spoken Chinese, and listening and speaking are only half of the major divisions of language (the other two dimensions being reading and writing). Based on what I have written already, I will leave it to the reader to imagine how inefficient and tedious it is, not to mention culturally exclusive, to use the Chinese writing system.

Those artful symbols seem so impressive until one tries to use them for all of life’s daily reading and writing purposes. Then, constantly stumped by the appearance of new words and having no idea how to pronounce them, and wishing that words could just be spelled out with a pen or keyboard instead of having to make an artful or sloppy piece of calligraphy with a regimented writing method, it dawns on the newcomer: using pictographic and ideographic symbols for all of a written language isn’t such a good idea.

English words may be irregular and their phonics flawed, but they work efficiently and they are very flexible and adaptable. There is a reason computer keyboards the world over use Roman letters, and it is not because an Englishman has possession of their patent. It is because those letters were developed through the millennia of several civilizations, and the result is language units proved by the furnace of culture and time. They work- very well.

Yes, Chinese writing also works (any extant written language can be said to work- people use it, don’t they?), but I would argue not nearly as well. The Koreans and Japanese, who developed their written languages from Chinese, both saw the need to break the written characters down and create alphabets out of them. The Chinese, who take inordinate pride in their history and tradition, have never seen the need to do likewise. Pinyin transliteration is the closest they have come to compromising with reasonability.

When using a word from a foreign language, something Chinese is hamstrung from doing, but something I think English does exceptionally well (English speakers, think of all the foreign words you know from languages like Spanish and Japanese, and all the French phrases you recognize- now, do you speak those languages?), Chinese has to use its existing characters and sound the word out- poorly. Remember, their smallest language unit is the word, not the letter.

Example: my home state, Iowa, in Chinese pinyin combines three unrelated words to form “Ài-hé-huá.” Those three words are literally “love,” “lotus,” and the adjective for “Chinese” or “Han” culture. So, basically the combination is gibberish, and a Chinese has to have familiarity with these quasi-phonetic combinations to know that the words are not lost but are pitifully trying to indicate a place name. In America, place names popularly use words from Native American languages, and Roman letters do a better than decent job of retaining the sound of the original language, though it takes an awful lot of k’s, vowels, and sign space to do so.

The written Chinese characters are what beguile foreign eyes and entice them to think Chinese must be such an exotic and esoteric language, but that is not the case. Once the alluring bait is taken, the sucker realizes the truth- that the incredible visual symbols are masking childishly simple words that mostly sound like “cheese” and “seizure.” I am almost serious. Chinese has so many sounds similar to “sh-” and “ch-” and “j-” that learning their language made me think I was in a speech therapy class meant to manage the way I pushed air through my teeth.

On the topic of the spoken word, I have to admit I am not much of an authority. I never heard Chinese spoken. I heard it barked, shouted, growled, blurted, hissed, sputtered, ejected, muttered, whined, scolded, chided, coughed, screeched, yelled, howled, whispered through closed lips, called out impatiently by a screeching woman, sung in a thin, tinny falsetto voice, and histrionically recited by a man for an audience, but I never heard it spoken. If one’s only exposure to spoken Chinese is a foreign film, it goes without saying that those actors were speaking stylized lines clearly enough for the boom microphone to pick them up. If one has heard the clamor of a kitchen in a Chinese restaurant, that is more like what I am referring to.

It is not the people’s fault that the language comes out so rushed, so clipped- that is the natural tendency when speaking the short, friction-filled sounds of Chinese. If the context ever demands enunciation, like in the narration of television commercials, and spoken Chinese is put on display, then the resulting sound is absurd and buffoonish. I expected viewers to crack up at the overdone, pompous voices on television- the voices having to fall up and down and flit erratically like a dollar bill in the wind in order to precisely hit the jarring tone changes between every Chinese syllable- but my Chinese friends’ faces were unflinching. They could not hear the ridiculousness of the language because they were native to it and the sounds could not be heard, only their meaning.

Those clownish Chinese voices were artificial, not representative of the voices I suffered in my daily experience. Those voices spat out the harsh, static sounds of the language that made me wince. Even though I had attained a base level of Chinese that would have allowed me to speak to shopkeepers and ask for directions, had I felt brave, I almost always avoided opening my mouth to get the locals’ attention. I didn’t want to be shouted at in return. When I took a taxi and had to communicate, I would mutely hand the driver a slip of paper with my destination written on it. Sometimes that wasn’t enough. The driver would badger me and try to get more money out of me, and I would testily mutter in Chinese, “I don’t understand. I don’t understand…” over and over until the driver would give up in frustration of I did and exited the cab.

It was a surprising contrast to my experiences traveling in Thailand and speaking to the rare Thai person met in America. In those cases, I was giddy to try out what few phrases I knew, and I was pleasantly satisfied when the happy stranger would smile and pleasantly reply to me in a clean voice. Most of the Thai people I have attempted to speak to really were friendly and accommodating, and the experience showed me how common humanity could bridge the gulf of culture and language.

In China, the people did not speak anything like a friendly, clear, accommodating voice. Even when a sweet young lady wanted to say something smilingly polite, the sounds of Chinese are so pinched and abrupt that the message sounded like she had a mouth full of food. I felt no compulsion to talk to the Chinese in their own tongue; I had a distaste for the exercise that bordered on revulsion.

I would put it like this: in English, there are three moods: the indicative mood, for statements and questions; the imperative, for giving commands and advice; and the subjunctive, to express conditional statements or wishes (e.g. “If I were rich, I would buy a new house.”). In Chinese, I observed only one mood: angry. Every interaction was quickly spoken and short-tempered. Several times an English-speaking Chinese student or friend would excuse a violent-sounding scene to me by saying, “Those people sound like they are arguing, but they are just talking” or “She just asked him what time the bus arrives.”

I could sense mild embarrassment in my Chinese apologist, and could not but question to myself when Chinese culture at large was going to take the hint from foreigners’ faces- white(r) with shock- and stop excusing the cacophony inherent in their speaking voices and make heartfelt reforms in their language and the way they spoke it.

I do not need to understand Japanese, by contrast, to pick up on the great politeness and reserve the Japanese speak with. Body language, tone of voice, and the sound of their words reveal it to me. Being around Chinese speakers in the many and various chaotic, crowded, and disgusting settings of a real Chinese city, I was struck by the intensity of volume and spirit the Chinese would begin speaking with in the blink of an eye. I could read in their voices and body language that they were agitated and distressed, at once bound close enough in community that strangers could quickly strike up a conversation as if they were a married couple resuming a paused feud, and distant enough that no one received strangers with a kind smile, a slowly spoken reply, and a gentle nod of the head. If felt as if the whole country was composed of stock brokers, always chattering and shouting- never speaking- and shoving each other to get to the front of whichever line they were in.

It dawned on me then, that I found no innate appeal in the Chinese language. The visuals of the written characters had worn thin and let me down, and I could not bring myself to adopt the people’s hot, quarrelsome way of speaking. I have often heard other languages spoken and found much beauty and appeal in them. Hearing the acrobatic lisps of Spanish speakers, the fluid friction of German, or the low, flowing syllables of Japanese attracts me and makes me curious about the depths their language conceals. I find I have a thirst to know their treasures of language and culture.

In China, I heard what seemed like endless boasting about their civilization, but after living in the real conditions of China, submerged in the torrent of choppy spoken sounds, I lost interest in their culture. I knew it was all a sham. The Chinese can school me in Confucian social order and harmony when their drivers learn to yield to traffic lights and pedestrians, when their people learn to form a line at the cafeteria, the train station, or of all places a national monument or museum, like the one dedicated to the Nanking Massacre, where all solemnity was broken during my visit by the mass of inconsiderate boors who would barge in with their elbows and stand to take pictures in front of others.

I realized this epiphany in real-life experience: language and culture are so intricately connected that it can be said language is culture. It was no accident that people who yelled at each other as a matter of course also honked their car horns nonstop at each other, pushed each other in all public places, and showed no shyness when spitting or having their children defecate in front of each other. Chinese culture had me disgusted, and its language had done little better. I wanted a part of neither.

Language, if one does not speak it, is an incredibly vast and deep system, seemingly impossible to conform one’s mind to. If one does speak the language, it is nothing at all. It takes no special effort for me to think in English. Learning Chinese though, or any other foreign language, would require great effort and that I took the time to live in Chinese-speaking society. Learning a foreign language then is a great compliment. The learner is declaring that this language and culture is worth his time, so much so that he is willing to make it a singular pursuit. The end goal is participation in a new culture and society. Again, it is nothing for me to visit a local restaurant, peruse the menu, and place my order, but for a foreigner dreaming the American dream, this is an impressive feat and a big step towards integration.

Integration became the furthest thing from my mind in China. I wanted relief; I wanted to leave. As the second semester waned, my Chinese studies all but completely ceased. I would still talk to Aunt Fong in Chinese, but I bitterly left my Chinese workbooks to gather dust. I did not want to be part of Chinese society. I did not want to remain in their country. Those are the real motivations for learning Chinese. Not wanting to remain in China, I no longer had those goals. Therefore, I stopped learning Chinese.

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A Lesson and a Concession

Going through the effort to learn Chinese, and especially the exercise of thinking about language, has made me think differently than the common views on language. My perspective is this: when I hear someone explain a feature of a foreign language, I do not treat it like a rule, I treat it like a proposal. So, for example, when someone shows me that the written character for the Chinese singular pronoun “I” or “me”: 我, takes seven marks of the pen, I do not stroke my chin and say, “How interesting. Your writing system must contain much meaning within these complex symbols.” No, I open my eyes widely in a bewildered stare and ask, “Are you serious? Do you realize how tedious and time-consuming that will be to spend seven strokes on such a basic word? Not to mention, you’re going to have to design these abstract symbols of yours for every single word– every concept, function, feeling, action, and object.

‘Your stick figure makes sense for the word ‘man’ (人), but how do you propose to make an iconic representation for a word like ‘discontent’? No, stop. Don’t draw your symbol for me. Inventing it is the easy part. How do you propose you will teach every literate person in your society how to read and write each of your thousands of symbols? Your schools will be little more than factories where robotic children are forced to learn by rote to such an extent that they will lose all aptitude for critical thinking or creativity. But if that is what you want, carry on with the symbol making.”

And again, “You are proposing to make every word a one-syllable sound? And because your language units come as simple, solid words, you are going to do away with an alphabet altogether? No, no, no, that will never work. Think of what will happen when you try and introduce a new sound, when you need a new word to describe a new thing, or to incorporate a foreign word. How will you do it? How will you pass along to everyone the pronunciation of the new word? Your language units are already fixed, and there are no phonics or other universal standards of word sounds, so how will you solve the problem of making new words? You say all new words will be compound words? And foreign words can be approximately sounded out with your existing word sounds? Well, that sounds like an awfully broad use of the word ‘approximately.’ Listening to you say ‘Washington’ (Hua-sheng-dun) sounds like a man speaking with a frozen jaw.

“But your compound words idea- are you forgetting that using only single-syllable sounds is already going to force you to overlap and border similar sounds to the point that you will have to rely on those awkward, ugly tones to differentiate between the sounds? Even then, many of the words will still have the exact same sound and tone. There are more things in heaven and earth, Hu Rui-Xiao, than are dreamt of in your language units. Your words and sounds are far too limited. Combining your monosyllables into compound words might be a solution to the problem of making new words, but it only compounds the original problem of having too many words with similar sounds or the exact same sounds. It’s indistinguishable.

“Imagine this scenario: you are on the phone with your friend and you ask about the ‘ma’ vehicle. It’s spoken over the phone, and it’s in Chinese, so your words are doubly indistinct.

“Your friend asks you, ‘DID YOU SAY “MAHN” (慢)? YOU WANT THE “SLOW” VEHICLE?’

“You impatiently correct him, ‘NO, CAN’T YOU HEAR? I SAID “MA,” NOT “MAHN.”’

“He then rightly defends himself, ‘BUT THE TWO SOUND IDENTICAL. BOTH ARE SPOKEN QUICKLY AND THE VOWEL ISN’T FULLY FORMED, SO “MAHN” SOUNDS JUST LIKE “MA.” IT IS ONLY THE DIFFERENCE OF ABRUPTLY CEASING THE SOUND WITH AN OPEN MOUTH VERSUS LIGHTLY AND IMPERCEPTIBLY TOUCHING THE TONGUE TO THE ROOF OF THE MOUTH, CUTTING THE FULL SOUND OF THE WORD SHORT.’

“You proceed, ‘LOOK, I DIDN’T CALL YOU TO ARGUE ABOUT HOW UNCLEAR OUR LANGUAGE IS, I JUST CALLED TO ASK ABOUT THE “MA” VEHICLE.’

“Your friend again says, ‘DID YOU SAY “MA” (马) AS IN THE BEAST OF BURDEN WITH LONG LEGS AND A FAST GALLOP, OR DID YOU SAY “MA” (妈) AS IN A WOMAN WHO BEARS CHILDREN AND RAISES THEM?’

“Fed up with the runaround, you repeat yourself, ‘I SAID “MA”!’

“Your friend, no less confused, replies, ‘I STILL CAN’T UNDERSTAND YOU. I WOULD ASK YOU TO SPELL IT OUT- “D” AS IN “DOG,” “B” AS IN “BOY”- BUT WE DON’T HAVE AN ALPHABET. HOW DO WE EVER EXCHANGE EMAIL ADDRESSES WITH ONE ANOTHER?’

“You, by this point screaming, not just loud-talking, repeat again, ‘I SAID “MA”!’

“Your friend will say, ‘STOP SHOUTING!’

“And you will say, ‘I’M NOT SHOUTING! I’M ONLY SPEAKING CHINESE TO YOU. BRING THE “MA” VEHICLE!’

“Your friend finally compromises, ‘I’LL JUST ATTACH THE HORSE TRAILER TO YOUR MOTHER’S CAR AND DRIVE THEM BOTH OVER TO YOU.’

“Now, my friend, is this the kind of interaction you want to set yourself up for? Then please, be reasonable and develop some phonics, an alphabet, and a wider range of sounds. It will require that you make something new, that you innovate rather than repeating and venerating the works of the past. So, I will leave it to you, my Chinese friend, to move toward the path of sensible innovation or remain where you are in the haphazard slough of fixed civilization. I know which option you should pursue, but I fear which one you will stubbornly hold onto.”

I may sound exceptionally jaded to the Chinese language and its culture, but my dissatisfaction is in due proportion to the height of my expectations and the depth of my real disappointment. I had so much hope and time invested in Chinese, and what was the result of my labors? I could use a spare Chinese word or phrase in a discussion with a bilingual friend, but hearing and seeing the Chinese language in public had become too wearisome.

I did not care to cross over with both feet and become familiar with a language that rushed out in such hostile and harsh sounds. I did not want to talk to someone using a voice like that, and I felt no personal trust with a person who spoke to me like that. We would sound like two dogs fighting over a bone, and any fluent onlookers would have to interpret for foreign ears that we were just commenting on how lovely the weather was going to be for our upcoming holiday.

At least, if I had learned a language like Russian, I would have sounded nefarious and arch. People would hear me and either think I was scheming something or lamenting my woeful place in this world. Almost any other language, and people would say what a charming and alluring accent I had. Speaking Chinese is seductive to no one. When Chinese speakers use English, the Mandarin speakers speak ploddingly, breathily, but with not much of a flavorful accent, and the Cantonese speakers, who have nine standard tones in their language, sound like banjo strings being plucked, tightened, and unwound.

And as far as I know, no Chinese words or idioms have proven themselves worthy to use in English, other than food names (e.g. “bok choy” or “chow mein”), and the simplified phrases “Chop, chop” and “Long time, no see” (this is a common Chinese saying, but it is not for certain that the English phrase came from the Chinese parallel).

Contrast that with French, a language whose artful phrases seem tailor-made for flourishes in English sentences. It sounds so much more sophisticated to say “C’est la vie” instead of our plain “That’s life.” The only advantageous Chinese words I have found are their numbers (credit for this insight is owed to Malcolm Gladwell, in his book Outliers: The Story of Success). Chinese numbers are pronounced quicker than English numbers, so they are easier to speak and remember, and there are no irregular numbers like “eleven.” In Chinese, that would be “ten-one.”

After my studies and my time in China, I was left with a smattering of simple, practical knowledge of a language that I did not want to use in its homeland, and which is mostly useless to me in America, where Chinese is a lingua franca to no one, and where the first and second generation Chinese immigrants can either speak English to outsiders, or if incompetent, can keep up a cold, distant front with those outside their group. I am not denying that Chinese people can be friendly or work and speak with others. I am not interpreting language fluency as friendliness. I am saying that in my experience with foreign immigrants and visitors, I have found it easy to talk with the Japanese and Thais, for example, but difficult to approach the Chinese, get on their wavelength, and establish trust.

When I spoke Thai to the Thais or talked about Japan to the Japanese, they smiled and talked back, but when I have gone against my better intuition and dared to speak Chinese to the Chinese in America, they mostly seemed shocked or uncomfortable with it, uninterested in talking to me. That is in America though. In China, there were times when my white face attracted a crowd, and many Chinese students eagerly peppered me with cheerful questions.

I do not feel vengeful toward China and its people, mostly I feel disappointment and exasperation which I issue in the form of real observation and rebuke. If the Chinese were humble about their language, if they disfavored boasting about their country and culture, I would see no need to be critical. I have no quarrel with the bashful, modest languages of the world, however absurd and unwieldy they may be. My problem is with pride and pretense, especially when it is undeserved. A language that sounds like ice dropped into a deep fryer should be more embarrassed of itself. Instead it proclaims itself and pretends it is unknowable, not able to be understood by outsiders. No, the problem with China is when it is seen and known, when it is exposed to outsiders and they are able to comment on it.

Lastly, my concession, which is only necessary. I have made quite a few censorious remarks on the Chinese language. I need to remember my place and keep things in perspective. St. Paul, in 1 Corinthians 14, wrote that “Even things without life, whether flute or harp, when they make a sound, unless they make a distinction in the sounds, how will it be known what is piped or played?” At this point, the pride and vanity of my flesh smile and say, “No distinction in the sounds? Surely he must be talking about Chinese.”

But then I am corrected by Scripture, later in the same chapter: “There are, it may be, so many kinds of languages in the world, and none of them is without significance.” There I am shown, there my whole argument is tempered: Chinese is not without significance. It still has great beauty and use among a great number of people. I found it unpalatable, and I have my reasons for disliking its modern form and practice, but these are after all entirely subjective opinions.

My problem is not really about the essence of a language, but the way it is rudely and irrationally practiced today.

I am one displeased individual who must remember that Chinese has its significance and purpose apart from me. I do not care to speak it or study it, but it is still worth speaking and studying in itself. I will leave it to those at peace with Chinese culture to do so.

I still love China.

I still love China.

Plumbing and Blocks: A Metaphor for Language

(Continued from “The Basics of the Chinese Language.”)

(Part One: “Why I Stopped Learning Chinese.”)

(Note: my references throughout are to Mandarin Chinese, or the standard dialect of Chinese which I learned and was exposed to. Cantonese and other major dialects I did not live with nor learn.)

From Part 2: For those more familiar with Chinese, please forgive me where I have been imprecise or ignorant. And for those unfamiliar, I hope I have provided you with some insight and a feel for my experience with Chinese, which is admittedly very limited. Before I get into my complaint on the Chinese language, I would now like to offer a personal observation, an analogy for Chinese and English that is entirely subjective but I think an accurate and easy way to understand the essential difference between the two languages.

Plumbing and Blocks

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English is like plumbing. The thousands of words English has accumulated from other languages like the many pieces and parts stored in the bins of an old plumber’s workshop. An old hand can look at a problem and assemble a solution any number of ways using parts and pieces from different language bins. A simple problem- choosing the right word to complete a sentence- is like a simple repair of a leaking faucet. If the leak was caused by a hairline crack in the pipes, the plumber could plug or patch the leak for a quick fix, or replace the section of pipe altogether. In the same way, English words can be substituted with any of our language’s many synonyms, or the select word can be removed altogether and replaced with another. If the entire sentence is corroded, then the plumber needs to get to work, tinkering and replacing all the seals, pipes, washers, valves, screws, and nuts, i.e. the verb tense, the mood, the word choices, the tone, the syntax, the use of the right nouns, and adjectives that fit just right. Everything must fit together and allow the flow of water- in this metaphor, meaning- without leaks breaking out between pipe connections- i.e. word combinations- that do not fit each other. It is all complex and intricate. Word choices must fit the job, and all words must agree with the verb tenses and flow together towards the sentence’s intended meaning.

For illustration, let us suppose that I want to communicate and describe my upset stomach. Think of all the words and phrases at my disposal. My workshop is filled with shelves of plumbing parts to choose from. My mental plumber can select words originating from several different source languages or put together common English words to form phrases. I could simply plug the leak, saying, “I’m sick.” That will do, but the problem could be better addressed. I could alternatively say, “I’m ill” or “I’m feeling ill.” These sentences say the same thing, but when choosing between words the difference is that between using basic PVC plastic piping, that will work for basic applications but cannot handle high water temperatures, and using copper pipes that are stronger and better able to fortify the flow of meaning. In plumbing, it is water pressure, water temperature, and the location of pipes that determines the material- metal or plastic- to be used for the job. In English, the considerations for word choice are eloquence, context, and meaning.

In this illustration, eloquence is not necessary, yet word choice can still improve my chances of having my specific meaning understood the way choosing the right size washer or O-ring will ensure my pipe fittings do not leak. “I feel bad,” needs to be narrowed down. What is the problem? “My stomach hurts” will work. That efficient sentence is simple yet specific enough to communicate the intended meaning. But again, plumbing can be complex and so can sentence-making- choosing the right words and assembling them to fit the problem. “My stomach is upset” or “It hurts” will not inform my listener what kind of cure I need. I could add another sentence and build a longer connection of pipes. “I think I ate something bad.” Or “I ate something that disagreed with me.” There is a descriptive personification! I never knew food to be opinionated, but I intuitively understand the sense meant by saying that it “disagreed with my stomach.” If I want to attempt a diagnosis, I could say, “I think…” or “Maybe…” to venture a guess, or if I feel certain I could say without introduction, “It is food poisoning.” Think of all the options! So many different word choices and sentences for the same problem. English has shelves and shelves of subtly differing parts which can be sorted through and assembled together.

One could choose the bin labeled “Medical Words” and dig through and choose a word like “diarrhea” if that were my stomach’s problem. Then, the word chosen is from Greek, meaning “flowing through” (speaking of plumbing), and used medically in English it carries the meaning of all the associated symptoms, causes, and cures. Perhaps it is another medical problem with my stomach, so I face a different set of options. I can say, “It’s acid indigestion,” or using Greek again, “It’s pyrosis,” or more colloquially, “It’s heartburn.” So many options for so many things, and an abundance of words to build from.

Lastly, I could select words based on formality, feel, and context. “I’m sick” works simply, with anyone, but “My tummy hurts” is how a child attracts the attention and affection of her mother. If I am concerned with the feel of my words, their connotation, I can swap my source language box. I could go to the “Latin” box of plumbing parts (a very large box in English’s workshop) and pick out “nauseous.” (Note that the Latin “nausea” is in turn based on a Greek word, and English words commonly trace their ancestry back through more than one source language, so in this respect the analogy of boxes of plumbing parts breaks down. Perhaps parts that originated from one language box were sorted in with another?) “Nauseous” is such a strong, multi-syllable word. Very Latin. It has much more dignity than “sick,” in case I need to dress up my sickness for a discriminating audience. I wouldn’t want a dinner party, for the sake of my humorous example, to have to think about the unclean processes of the human body.

And if I’m really sick, I could exclaim/announce/shout/expel/interject/or cry out, “I’m going to throw up!” or “I’m gonna hurl!” or “I’m about to puke!” or “I think I’m ready to vomit!” or “spew” or any number of vulgar, colloquial, or slang terms. English goes on and on. In my experience of Chinese (language, culture, and people) the same standard words, phrases, and expressions were pretty much universally used by everyone in a rote way. It was not a normal thing for me to hear someone put their individual spin on a common saying.

Switching between source languages (in English, usually French, Latin, Greek, or Old English and Germanic) for descriptive words works just like changing a single valve or pipe in a plumbing system. I could say “daily” using a common English word, or I could say “every day” and make a phrase out of two simple pieces, or combine them into “everyday” and make a word with a subtly different meaning. Or, I could resort to Latin and seem sophisticated by using “quotidian.” Maybe the context requires the flair of French, and I say, du jour. Or, I might want to make a philosophical point about the common experience of daily life, so I go back to the “Latin” box and cull up “mundane.” Think of all the possibilities that can be fit together as an ad hoc (Latin again) solution for the sentence and context at hand. Daily allowance = “per diem.” I live life “day by day” or “one day at a time.”

It is a wonder how anyone can stay above water in the overflow of word choices that is the English language. But as the old plumber knows from experience just about where to look in his crowded, cluttered workplace to find the part he is thinking of, so does the English-speaking brain know which set of words to choose from. In this respect, English is not all that different from Chinese or any other language, but the number of words and word bins to choose from is much more abundant, overflowing, multitudinous, ample, bounteous, copious, profuse, populous, numerous, voluminous, and perhaps superfluous.

What is most like plumbing in English is word agreement and flow, the necessity that all the parts of a sentence are fit together properly and that they support the flow of meaning in one direction, just like a plumbing system must fit together properly and support water flow in one direction. Incongruent word choice is like ill-fitting pipes; they disturb the mind like drips from a leak. If a small child said, “Mommy, my tummy is nauseous,” one would assume the child was either precocious or trying out a newly learned vocabulary word. In the same way all the words in a sentence must work together, and the sentence must fit the style and tone of the context.

Most critically, to English and plumbing, the flow of the sentence must be consistent and in one direction. If I incorrectly used a verb tense and said, “I is going to the store now,” then my sentence has sprung a leak. My sentence still carries water- the meaning comes across, but there is a leak of verb confusion. A major meaning flow problem would be like saying, “I have been to go to the store tomorrow.” A listener has no idea what time frame this action is meant to take place, the same as a poorly assembled plumbing system could send water flowing in conflicting directions or into dead ends, with the result of burst pipes and major water leak.

This analogy could be expanded to cover even more aspects of English, but I have already written more than enough to make my point convincing: English is like plumbing.

chinese blocks

Chinese, now, is like blocks, the colorful wooden cubes that small children play with. If the reader can excuse the unintended condescension of the analogy, I will explain. Those six-sided playthings are one simple, solid object that has different images painted on each side. Each of the six sides has four edges and can be rotated to face one of four ways. The blocks can be arranged individually and then in combination with other blocks any way the child wants them. This is very Chinese.

In Chinese, words are very simple, having one syllable with the usual pattern of one consonant followed by one vowel, but by altering the tone of the word- rotating the block onto one of its four edges- the face of the block appears differently. It is still the same block face, the same consonant and vowel, but that adjustment in orientation (tone) makes it a different word. Also, as each block has six sides which would have to be examined and handled many times before the whole surface of the block was exactly remembered in the mind’s eye, so the written words of Chinese must be examined and handled- broken down according to root characters and brush strokes, then written out countless times- until that visual memory is unshakably implanted in the brain.

Most pertinent to this analogy, imagine a child (or adult) setting up some blocks any way he wanted on a shelf, metaphorically building a sentence, then objecting strongly when someone else- a foreign language learner- tried to do the same. It would be baffling. The foreigner would question the idea that the blocks really could be arranged in any order, the way Chinese can combine so many words together and is alleged to have no grammar (I have heard this boastful “no grammar” claim before, but I will leave it to a boring linguist to deconstruct it). The foreigner would object, “But I did it just like you!” The native speaker would know though. He had trained his eyes to catch even the slightest difference in the arrangement of his blocks. “There is no grammar,” but the Chinese know which words go together, and though they often cannot explain it, they can perceive when their words aren’t used just right.

In my pronunciation practice with Uncle Jiang and others, I felt like I was setting up my blocks on a display shelf for their scrutiny, and they would huffily say, “No!” and then rearrange my blocks- my pronunciation- by sliding a block over with their finger just a hair. I am a native English speaker, so I thought, “What’s the difference? I speak my words approximately the same as they do.” But no, they could tell. My pronunciation of Chinese tones, which might have sounded identical or close enough to me, could be found outrageous by them. Chinese grammar has no rules save the capricious feelings of its native users, like the whimsy of a child’s arrangement of his toys, and Chinese pronunciation is just as subtle as that of a child who insists his toys must be exactly arranged.

Also note: blocks do not connect. Pipes must connect by being inserted together, being arranged in a system having the right shapes and distances and gravitational flow. But blocks can be stacked or set side by side in any arrangement; there are no joints or threads with which to connect one block to another. Words in Chinese come whole; there is no conjugation of verbs or modification of nouns and adjectives to connect them to another word. Chinese does not have “go, to go, am going, did go, will go, went, gone.” Chinese has “go, go, go.”

Chinese words can simply be set next to each other. One block can easily be swapped out for another equally-sized block and the arrangement will hold, so long as it is a native speaker who knows how to delicately arrange the clumsy objects. If you don’t have the touch, your hearers will soon be calling out “Jenga!”

Yes, Chinese is like blocks. Now that I have essayed to demonstrate this and acquainted the reader with the nature of English and Chinese as I very much imperfectly understand them, I can commence my complaint.

To be continued.

The Basics of the Chinese Language

Laoshi Dustin teaches Chinese.

Laoshi Dustin teaches Chinese.

(Continued from “Why I Stopped Learning Chinese”)
(Note: my references throughout are to Mandarin Chinese, or the standard dialect of Chinese which I learned and was exposed to. Cantonese and other major dialects I did not live with nor learn.)

For comparison between the two languages, English and Chinese, let’s look at the word “good.” To do so, I will need to begin a new section which anyone who is already learned in the Chinese language will find tedious and unnecessary. I urge these readers to skip past this post and save me the embarrassment of having my mistaken explanations and generalities corrected.

“Good” is a simple word, easily spelled in English, and to write it one merely has to use the letters he has long been master of: g-o-o-d. In Chinese, the equivalent word is written “好.” This is likewise a simple word in the Chinese writing system, which grades written characters according to their complexity (that is, the number of strokes needed to write a word). In Chinese, a complex character can have upward of twenty strokes. For purposes of reader comprehension only, consider the printed English alphabet, wherein all the letters are written with one or two strokes of the pen, unless one is writing for calligraphic purposes and uses three separate marks to make a letter like “k” or “m.”

The relatively simple Chinese word “好” has six strokes. It is made of two symbols set side by side. “女” (three strokes) which means “woman” and is a pictogram, or pictorial symbol, of a woman grown large with child, and “子” (also three strokes) which means “child” and is a pictogram of a baby wrapped tightly in nursing clothes. Don’t ask how these symbols are supposed to resemble a woman and a baby (I think the “woman” symbol looks like a passable stick figure drawing). It is like the rule of constellations: someone discovers a pattern, he gets the right to name it, it catches on with people, and soon everyone points to the sky and says, “Look, a bear!” when everyone knows full well that the stars look nothing like a bear, major or minor.

Chinese writing today developed out of primitive symbols (not necessarily inferior, just primitive) inscribed onto a hard surface (i.e. bamboo, inscribed with a reed pen, and before that the preserved written artifacts came on bones or tortoise shells). Brush and ink were found to be a better writing method, much quicker, and so the characters began to take on their elegant abstract shapes. With words like “好” we get a glimpse into the Chinese mind. A woman with child is a good thing. Hence the characters for “woman” and “child” form an ideogram (a symbol not of the visual world but the conceptual) for the quintessential representation of good. Not surprising then that China is the most populous country on earth and Han Chinese the largest people group. The character for “home” (家) is a symbol of a roof with an abstract pig underneath, so in ancient China, it was a pig that made a house a home.

Not every written word in Chinese can be broken down to find these charming insights. Not by a long shot. And not many words are simple pictographic symbols, like “木” for tree, “林” for woods, and “森” for forest. The majority are a combination of two or three simple characters: a root to give a hint about the sound or meaning of the word, and an accompanying symbol to distinguish the individual word and perhaps further suggest meaning. As an example, the character for bird is “鸟.” Most every type of bird: chicken, turkey, hawk, pigeon, and so forth, has this character embedded somewhere in its Chinese symbol. In the most basic arrangement, “鸟” is paired side by side with a second, distinguishing symbol to give a hint about the word’s pronunciation or specific meaning. “Chicken,” for example, is written “鸡,” and “duck” is written “鸭.” “Bird” is on the right, indicating the category or type of word (birds), and the distinguishing symbol is on the left. These side by side examples are only one basic form though. The root characters might also be stacked above or below others and contained within other symbols, and very commonly it looks more complex and confusing than the clear side by side examples. Their present-day forms have progressed through stages that have seen the words modified and added to considerably. It takes a lot of deciphering to get at the root of the words and understand their etymology.

So, the memorizing of Chinese characters is aided by mnemonics, but still there is the Herculean task of memorizing the symbols for thousands of individual words if one aspires to achieve an educated level of literacy. Word by word must be written stroke by stroke, over and over again until the stroke order and writing motions are lodged in the brain. If the rote practice of writing characters is abandoned, then how to write them is soon forgotten. The eye still recognizes words when reading them, and the mind has a vague memory of the written symbol, but it is indistinct. Attempting to write the word is useless because Chinese characters must be exactly and intricately drawn. Imagine if writing the word “it” was not a matter of remembering “i” followed by “t,” but memorizing “dot, down stroke, horizontal stroke, downward stroke” in that order. Then imagine memorizing stroke by stroke, first through last, in order, for words with one or two dozen strokes, multiplied by the thousands of words needed to build an educated Chinese written vocabulary.

The popularity of computer keyboards and text messaging has given rise to the modern Chinese observation: “take pen, forget character.” Even Chinese students, who have studied written characters their whole life, struggle to recall how to write certain words, especially when they have ceased writing practice in favor of the keyboard. Our resourceful yet stupid American youths can simply make up their spelling based on text messaging: “r u gone 2 tha gym?” Forgetful Chinese cannot ignorantly staple strokes together because the characters need to be written exactly, or pretty near, standard.

And the students in China strive harder than the pupils in any other language to achieve basic literacy and to acquire a working written vocabulary. Even though the Chinese language has only several thousand written characters in common usage, it takes years to master them all. Each of these characters has to be practiced dozens of times in a writing book before it can be used freely. At the height of my personal studies, I estimated that I could write close to three hundred words off the top of my head, and I recognized at least five hundred by sight- which is not enough to be very helpful in real conversation. I rapidly lost the ability to write mostly all of these words after ceasing regular use. Note: while the written language uses a relatively small number of written characters, these characters are regularly combined in Chinese to form new compound words (example: “How much?” is a two-word combination that is literally “Many-few?”), so the number of words used by a speaker or writer of Chinese, like any language, is practically unquantifiable. It all depends.

But how about typing these symbols on a computer? And how do foreign speakers learn the sounds of the written words if Chinese symbols have no phonics? The answer is a writing system called pinyin, which I mentioned earlier. Pinyin (pronounced in Chinese like “peen-yeen,” spoken through the nose with the tongue held against the roof of the mouth and the open lips fixed in place) uses Roman letters to imitate the sounds of spoken Chinese, only the letters have been loosely adapted and assigned new sounds. For example, “qi” in pinyin Chinese sounds like “chee” spoken quickly through a pinched mouth. “Xi” sounds like “shee,” also spoken with a quick, hissing sound.

Additionally, pinyin uses tonal marks over the vowels in a word to indicate which of the four tones to use. The tones are critical in Chinese for meaning and comprehension. Saying “ma” with a high-pitched even tone could mean “mother” or “to wipe,” whereas saying “ma” with a rising, low to high-pitched tone means “horse.” The simple consonant and vowel pairing “ma” can make seven different, common words, using four tones and one neutral tone (no inflection or stress in the voice). Even with four differentiating tones, words still overlap on the same sound, like “mother” and “to wipe.” All the possible syllables in Chinese have these tonal variations which can change the meaning of the word completely. In English, clearly, saying the same word with a different tone does not change the essential meaning, only the emotional tone or context.

Every syllable in Chinese must have a tone, and every word in Chinese is a one-syllable word, a compound of two one-syllable words, or possibly a phrase of several one-syllable words. Also, syllables must be a consonant followed by a vowel, sometimes ending in the open consonant sounds “-n” and “-ng.” Therefore, fa, fan, and fang, are possible sounds for Chinese words, but a consonant-vowel-consonant combination like fal or fat is not.

To understand how this works out, let’s go back to “好,” the Chinese word for “good.” In pinyin, its sound is written “hǎo.” That is one syllable, a consonant followed by a vowel sound, with a tone mark over the “a” to indicate a rising tone. This pinyin script teaches someone familiar with Chinese pronunciation how to pronounce “好” (it sounds like the question word “how” spoken with a low, rising voice from the back of the mouth). Now, if using a computer or sending a text message, pinyin can be used to input “好” or any of the thousands of other idiosyncratic Chinese characters that would never fit on a keyboard. The user would type “h-a-o,” then the computer program would display a list of the common words that are written “hao” in pinyin. “好” is a very common word, so it would probably be in the first slot in the program’s list, so the user would press “1” and “好” would be entered onscreen. There are other Chinese writing computer programs that go by stroke input, but I found pinyin input to be the easiest method and much more user-friendly; it didn’t require a working knowledge of the written characters’ stroke order.

Typing "nihao" (for "hello") into a pinyin input gives these options. Option 1 is the most likely option; in this case, "hello." To select Option 1, the user presses either 1 or the space bar.

Typing “nihao” (for “hello”) into a pinyin input gives these options. Option 1 is the most likely option; in this case, “hello.” To select Option 1, the user presses either 1 or the space bar.

The list of options for every syllable input might have had you wondering why such a thing was necessary. Again, it is because every possible consonant and vowel combination is differentiated by the four tones, and the words sometimes overlap, having the exact same sound and tone. “Ma” and “hao” can make many different Chinese words. The pinyin letters are the same, but nonetheless the words are written with a different Chinese character. Chinese is very limited in its possible consonant-vowel combinations. Certain consonants can only be paired with certain vowels. Imagine in English if “she” was possible but “show” was not, and you will have a simple abstraction of what Chinese is like. Looking at the pinyin section of a Chinese dictionary, it becomes readily apparent that the Chinese language is a moderate collection of permutations. Nearly all the words are limited, single consonant and single vowel combinations. English allows for most any pronounceable consonant cluster, and consonants and vowels can form whatever syllables are practically demanded. A word like “strict,” for example, starts with “str-,” a three-consonant cluster inconceivable in Chinese, and it also ends in a hard-stop consonant cluster: “-ct.” Chinese words, written in pinyin, cannot do that. They must end in short, open vowels or in an open consonant sound: “-n” or “-ng.”

Having short, one-syllable words and limited combinations of consonants and vowels necessitates that Chinese has far fewer written words (characters) than English. Chinese uses compound words to create new words from its basic building blocks: one-syllable words, so it is not lacking when the people need a new word to express a new concept. It is only that the new words are all compounds of the existing, simple words. A funny example from the modern age: “computer” in Chinese is a compound word combing their words for “electric” and “brain.” Very simple, perhaps charmingly so, from an English speaker’s perspective. But it must be considered that English accepts all comers in its world word buffet, so long as the word works and has a nice feel or pronunciation. So the English language has an unmatchable amount of words by way of its borrowing from other languages. Regardless, the words and sounds of Chinese are nonetheless quite limited. The sounds are very often similar, indistinguishable to the untrained ear, or even actually identical, indistinguishable no matter whose ears you use.

One other thing, besides pinyin, which was implemented as part of the latest stage of the development of the Chinese language, that being Chairman Mao’s cultural reforms and the intent to make the written language easier to use: simplified Chinese. Simplified Chinese is basically making shortcuts in the complex, intricate, and numerous strokes of many Chinese words. Taking the pen to write “龍” (“dragon”) requires 16 brush or (commonly) pen strokes in traditional Chinese. Making it simpler, but still somehow recognizable, simplified Chinese writes the same word/symbol as “龙” and only uses 5 strokes. An economical alternative trying to make a written language which is by nature cumbersome a little less so.

One word which could use the simplified treatment, which relates back to one of my original questions on the Chinese language, is the character for “I”: 我. The most common pronoun and most common word in speech is pronounced simply (it sounds like “wuh”), but it is written with seven marks of the pen. These seven marks, while written rapidly, are astonishingly too numerous- at least four or five too many- for such a common word.
I know this passage has been tedious, an informal information dump, but I believe it is relevant and necessary to include in my discussion on the topic.

For those more familiar with Chinese, please forgive me where I have been imprecise or ignorant. I will forgive you for not skipping over this section as I asked you to. And for those unfamiliar, I hope I have provided you with some insight and a feel for my experience with Chinese, which is admittedly very limited. Before I get into my complaint on the Chinese language, I would now like to offer a personal observation, an analogy for Chinese and English that is entirely subjective but I think an accurate and easy way to understand the essential difference between the two languages.

Continued in Plumbing and Blocks: A Metaphor for Language

The Real China: The Chinese Classroom

As a foreign teacher in China, I was only expected to teach oral English. Grammar and reading were the domain of the Chinese English teachers. My expertise, coming from an English-speaking country, was speaking and teaching Chinese students how to speak. My native English ability made me valuable to the university- enough that they would pay for a good portion of my flight costs and provide me an apartment for the 11-month term of my contract- because I could not only model proper pronunciation, but take this language that students had been studying in grammar books and speak it. Yes, grammar and language knowledge (and especially knowing how to teach) are important for teaching English as a Second Language, but if you can form new sentences in English, at will (this is the test for language fluency), then you are an expert. Growing up in English-speaking culture and speaking this language from childhood will alert you, naturally, when a Chinese student asks, “Where are you come from?” and grant you the authority to correct him, “It’s ‘Where do you come from?’” No grammar credentials needed.

But I had studied English in college and taken an English language teaching course, so I had some ideas about how best to get students to work through the language. The zeal of naivety is a powerful substitute for real experience.

I had a real problem though that every language must face: no one can learn to speak by watching a native; they must be guided to attempt speaking for themselves.

I had gathered from Chinese students and from their English teachers, both foreign and Chinese, that the oral English classes followed a regular pattern where the teacher would give a topic at the end of one class (e.g. “Where would you like to live in the future?”), and during the next class the students would speak (i.e. read or recite) what they had prepared. I could see the benefit in that: the Chinese classroom is all about following precedent, and speaking extemporaneously terrified most pupils with the dread of embarrassment in front of their peers. I might not know what word to use and then I’ll be standing in front of everyone like a fool, without anything to say!

Also, if the right topic were chosen, the students would be eager to share (in my experiences, an eager class response did occur a few times, but it was rare. The dead look on students’ faces usually said, “You expect me to talk about what?”). So if I chose to follow this method, the students wouldn’t balk at something new, a good portion of the class could pretend that they were really speaking English, and a few bold adventurers might actually wade into new conversational waters.

I decided not to do that though. Speaking is its own language skill, and real speech and conversations follow conventions and patterns that occur in real time. Speech has many forms, and even though public speaking on prepared topics is one of those forms, I wanted my students to practice speaking spontaneously in real life scenarios. So, for my lesson structure, I would introduce and explain the speaking topic of the day (e.g. “Asking for Information”), then demonstrate an exercise for the first scenario (“You are trying to find the school library, so you ask a professor for directions.”). After that, I would tell the students to role-play this with a partner, and after about five minutes- more or less- I would call for everyone’s attention and have a couple sets of partners repeat their role-play conversation for everyone so that we could review the exercise as a class. A sensible plan, perhaps, but there were some inherent problems of the Chinese classroom I could not overcome.

I mentioned that Chinese students follow precedent and avoid speaking up to prevent loss of face. This is not just a natural temperament shared by many. It is a near-universal disposition, a product of the culture that has been built in by all the small things that shape the students’ everyday experience. In contrast, American students are expected to speak up and they are rewarded for it. When I was a high school student I dreaded having to raise my hand to earn my “Participation” grade. Shyness and reserve are either mildly disdained or avoided. Many American classrooms today are shaped by expectations for open discussions. The theory is that student and teacher interaction is best facilitated through a circular or U-shaped seating arrangement where everyone can see each other’s face and the teacher is about equidistant from every desk (lecture halls are different, of course, and not every classroom is set up this way).

In China, every classroom I taught in was a large, long room with a chalkboard and podium in the front, facing rows of long, narrow desks and benches- bolted to each other and bolted into the floor. I saw no exceptions to this. Some classrooms had better furnishings- that is, they had a computer and a projector or a better chalkboard or a podium that was sturdy and didn’t fall apart when you set your bag on it.

A typical classroom at my university. The back chalkboard was always painted on with writing and pictures, usually some kind of slogan. In this case, the large characters say "Teacher's Day," Which is celebrated on September 10th in China.

A typical classroom at my university. The back chalkboard was always painted on with writing and pictures, usually some kind of slogan. In this case, the large characters say “Teacher’s Day,” which is celebrated on September 10th in China.

From my teacher’s vantage point, it looked like Venetian blinds laid out, with 30 to 50 students crammed in between the slats. The desks were only a bench top with (maybe) some cubbyhole space beneath to hold pens and a couple books. And the seating was very narrow and uncomfortable; there wasn’t enough room to stretch out, so most students would hunch forward and lean into the desks with their chests. Try sitting side-by-side with someone on a constricting bench and carrying on a conversation with them. This, and being asleep, is why people don’t speak up in church. And it is why Chinese students, having spent their young lives this way, will not speak in class. Goad or coax them as I would, they would not. They would not speak up in my class, they would not speak up for a pass, they would not speak up here or there, they would not speak up anywhere.

Add to the seating arrangement the Chinese reverence for the teacher, who usually lectures, and phones and other various distractions, and you have the ingredients that prevent interaction. Seating might seem like a small, surmountable thing, able to be overcome by planning and will, but its dominant effect is subtle and psychological, shaping the teachers’ and students’ ideas on classroom learning. It physically inhibits social interaction between students sitting in the desks by directing their eyes forward, and without an environment conducive to social interaction there is no conversation. Students believe the teacher doesn’t notice them individually, they disappear into the block of seats. No one wants to speak up and break the anonymous silence. That would put everyone’s eyes on them.

This is the Chinese classroom, and sitting in this environment for the large majority of their day, for most of their life, has shaped those students to the degree that I could ask them if 600 RMB ($100 U.S.) was the typical monthly rent for an apartment and repeat myself, rephrase the question, ask loudly, “Yes? No?” and still not get an answer from anyone. It was infuriating. Over and over I experienced that you can bring a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. When lesson planning, if I came to a part where the students had to give their input, I would ask myself, “Can they be creative? Can I trust them to participate and move the flow of the lesson?” Having learned quickly from classroom experience, I knew whenever I asked myself this question that the answer was no. I would either start my lesson plan over or work out an alternative for when the students would sit in stupefied silence.

I met four students who lived in this UNFINISHED off-campus apartment.

I met four students who lived in this UNFINISHED off-campus apartment.

This is their kitchen. I hope they weren't paying $100 a month for this.

This is their kitchen. I hope they weren’t paying $100 a month for this.

Really, the way things worked out, I learned that during the role-play time a small number of students would do the exercise I asked them to do, most might mumble to whoever was sitting next to them and kept an eye out for me, keeping their voices so low that I couldn’t hear them no matter what they were saying in whichever language they were saying it in, and a good number made little effort to conceal themselves doing math homework, reading for another class, taking my picture on their cell phone, sleeping, or text messaging. I had to accept the bad and work with it. Discipline is tough to maintain period; across languages and cultures a novice like myself stood no chance.

In my teacher training prior to China, I was taught to walk around, listen in, and offer correction or answer questions as needed. But when the students are huddled together in a block of long, narrow desks, I could only look on from the outside (that’s not a bad metaphor for China: a mass of humanity crowded together, indecipherable and impenetrable from the outside). So I would pace up the aisles and shimmy sideways, banging my knees, as I passed through the last row of desks, making a pretense of listening in and observing the students’ faces and behaviors.

I noticed all the little details that they had in common. How they would twirl their pens compulsively, each one fluidly repeating their favorite motion and passing the pen around their fingers. As a student, I was a compulsive doodler, but I never noticed any artists in China, only dexterous pen acrobats. And when they wrote, they all used their right hand- no exceptions. I asked a Chinese teacher if I observed that correctly, and she said yes, all students are taught to write with their right hand. I had to infer that this was because of the complexity of the Chinese writing system, where each word has a precise way to be written and the stroke order must be memorized.

When I watch Americans write, I sometimes notice people who invert or reverse the stroke orders I learned in school. That is, they might write the letter “e” starting clockwise from the tail and spiraling in, opposite the way that I do. But handwriting is sloppy in America. It’s very common and trite to hear people joke that they can’t even read their own writing. I always questioned what the purpose of handwriting was if it was illegible, even to the hand that scribbled it. Why not scratch whatever symbols come to mind if the writing doesn’t even look like English script? But that’s America, where anything goes, and being casual and nonjudgmental are unimpeachable virtues.

Not so in China, where students are still expected to meet a standard other than being diverse or tolerant. With Chinese characters, if a writer painted with the ink brush in the left hand, it would look slightly different; every stroke would be off because the hand would have to push the brush instead of pull. Plus, every Chinese word must be memorized. There are no phonics to make learning new words easier, the mnemonics are not at all intuitive, and everyone is expected to learn to write the characters the same way. Repetition is the only way. When each word must be memorized, and universal literacy is on the line, that demands that everyone studies hard, using the same method.

Strangely related to my classroom handwriting observations, I recoiled at the sight of the long fingernails that some of the girls and a lot of the young men grew out on their little finger. I never learned the real reason for this style. One friend told me it was convenient to have one long nail to scratch things and handle things and whatnot. Perhaps. As an observer, I can say that it was effective in raising the hair on the back of my neck in mild disgust.

Not the best picture, but it's the only one I have where you can see the long pinky nail. Look closely at my stylist's right hand.

Not the best picture, but it’s the only one I have where you can see the long pinky nail. Look closely at my stylist’s right hand.

I would scan the students’ shirts and smirk in confusion if I saw English words misspelled or words arranged randomly. If the clothing companies wanted to use English, I thought, why don’t they just copy and paste text they find online? These companies copy everything else. Occasionally, one student might have had on an American college sweatshirt or a sweater that read “Nebraska.” I would always ask those students, “Have you been to Nebraska? Do you know what that means?” Of course, they had no idea, and I usually had to point at their shirt and tug at mine to indicate to them that I was asking about their shirt.

I became used to seeing variations of the same five basic hairstyles for girls (four of which had bangs that stopped even with the brow line) and the same three styles for boys (buzzed short, combed across, and the popular “poof”- a tangled mess of hair that stuck up as if they woke up and never combed it). When I saw a male university student with long strands down to his shoulder blades, it shocked me. I’m sure it was the same reaction middle America had to the first longhairs of the 60’s. So, bored by the interchangeable bobs, I differentiated the students by character traits and fashion choices; things like brightly colored eyeglass frames, over-sized frames on some girls, or even frames worn without lenses. I thought that it was foolish, if not pretentious to wear frames without needing vision correction, but those who wore them defended the fashionable practice for its “cool” style.

Most of my female students' hairstyles conformed to this.

Most of my female students’ hairstyles conformed to this.

Every so often I would see some sort of English reading material on a student’s desk space. I would ask her if she was reading the book for class or pleasure, and maybe try and milk some questions out of it if I thought the student was friendly and able to handle a bit of small talk. Some students, though, I knew to just walk by. Either they would clam up with embarrassment and fail to respond audibly, or I had learned from past experience that there was no way they were going to put together a complete English sentence. One student, when I asked her a question related to the class exercise, looked me right in the eye and quietly but coldly told me, “Please, leave me alone.” And that I did, for the rest of the year.

In the middle school I taught at, more so than at the university, I noticed a lot of calligraphy practice books and pens with special writing nibs. Throughout China, I observed brushwork and fanciful writing fonts far more often than images and icons. The Chinese writing system is what the people grew up learning, what they practiced, and hence, what they loved. It is always on the Chinese mind. I even acquired the Chinese habit of breaking down the characters I saw into brush strokes and practicing their stroke order with my finger on my palm or thigh.

And speaking of writing, I have to note the absence of pencils and erasers. The Chinese didn’t write with them (not that, in America, pencils are preferred over pens for writing purposes, but they are more common in my observation). So whenever the students made a mistake, they would pull out a thin wheel of tape, run it over the section they wanted to remove, and peel away a thin layer of paper from their sheet. This mandatory school supply could be spotted on most desks, and during a written test the tape wheels would be passed back and forth as students nervously tore away at their paper.

These weren't for white correction tape. They had clear tape meant to pull off the top layers of ink and paper.

These weren’t for white correction tape. They had clear tape meant to pull off the top layers of ink and paper.

One unsightly thing I could not help but notice was the soft black hairs on a few girls’ upper lip, and my occasional glimpses of coarse leg hairs and underarm hair. I hesitate to mention it, I don’t mean to shame any of the young women, but body hair was a not uncommon part of real life in China. Most of the Chinese I saw grew hardly any body hair, but when it did sprout up, it was obvious against their light skin. I don’t know how the Chinese view it, but it always startled me whenever I saw girls with leg and armpit hair. Please note, this was not the norm I saw, and on average I would say that most had fair features and smooth skin.

But the truly disgusting thing I observed among my students, the feature that both sickened and infuriated me, was the sight of red, purplish, puffy hands. I’m sensitive to the shape of hands, and by that I mean that I notice the look and character of individuals’ hands, which probably began from my love of drawing, so when I first saw a girl with fat, square fingers instead of slender curves, I passed it off as a physical anomaly that I would not want to hold hands with. But then I saw it again, and then again on another girl: the skin was past red and now had the deep purple color of a contusion. What was wrong with these girls’ hands? I had never seen this before. Skinny girls with fat, square hands.

The question had an obvious answer. Just as my face was sore and red from constant exposure to the cold, these girls had chilblains on their hands from sitting in unheated classrooms throughout the winter, taking notes with un-gloved hands. Yes, because we were south of the Huaihe River (the geographic dividing line), the Chinese government did not allow central heating in buildings, except for department stores and some hotels and restaurants. Because we were right on the southern edge of the Huaihe River, that meant our city was as far north as one could get in China and still not have central heating. So, all winter long, from dormitory to dining hall (or “canteen”), from the classroom to the library or anywhere else, everyone had to wear layers of winter clothing, but either finding it superfluous or an unnecessary expense, most students went without hats and gloves. Perhaps the circumstances could not be helped, but seeing how inflamed those girls hands became, and seeing how normal they thought it, how overlooked it was, how assumed it was, was a small detail that swelled my indignation.

We're wearing coats because there was no heat in our classroom. Side note: my  student, John, in the purple coat in the upper left, wore glasses just for show. They either had no lenses or non-corrective lenses

We’re wearing coats because there was no heat in our classroom. Side note: my student, John, in the purple coat in the upper left, wore glasses just for show. They either had no lenses or non-corrective lenses

The Real China: Questions I Could Not Answer

Being an American in China (or just being a white-faced foreigner from an English-speaking country), attracted a lot of attention from the locals. I was one of a very small sample of non-Chinese people in an area of around 3 million people, and after months of living as the only white man in a small university town (small in Chinese terms, as the official count of the county was over 600,000 people), I too became shocked whenever I saw another laowai– foreigner. Most Chinese were too shy to approach me or come out and speak directly to me, but that didn’t prevent them from blurting out “Laowai!” as I walked past or surreptitiously peeking over their shoulder when I was near. I could always tell, while walking on campus, when one girl in a pair had spotted me walking behind them. Their voices would get suspiciously low, and a couple seconds later, her friend would slyly look back at me, and then they’d both giggle.

Occasionally, a few students would find me walking through the campus and ask to take a picture with me (most would just try to sneak a shot with their camera phone), and I would always oblige them with a pose. Other brave souls would walk straight up to me, in the middle of whatever I was doing- shopping, eating, jogging, exercising- and start firing off the frequently asked questions (e.g. “Can you speak Chinese?” “Are you America?”).

Because America has the most dominant popular culture and everyone knew about my homeland from movies and the news, I held a lot of appeal to most of the people I met. Countless times I heard from someone how they had always dreamed of going to America but couldn’t because of the expense. Many young people would stare at me awestruck with an open smile, not saying anything, their imaginations soaring with images of the fabled life they had seen on screen. It was tempting to assume their wonder was due to my presence, but really any foreigner would receive the same reaction as a representative of a far-off land the natives had previously only imagined. A young white man, in China, would have to have a horn growing out of his forehead not to be admired and called handsome. So, the Chinese, especially the younger generation, carried impressions of foreigners that would excite them to speak to me.

On the other hand, there were quite a few tense car rides and dull, uncomfortable moments at the dinner table where I sat in silence with a middle-aged man who either had no interest in American topics or lacked the English to step out and meet me in the middle ground between our cultures. Not to say that I expected my hosts to cater to me. As a guest in their country I did respect that Chinese was the language of the land. Mostly, I tagged along as a silent observer and conversation piece in social situations; getting to speak with a young Chinese man fluent in English, or a female student with exceptional English skills, was a rare treat.

But in most situations, I was not comfortable enough to ask conversational questions in Chinese, and the English questions my hosts felt socially obligated to ask would only underline the awkward gap between us. At a restaurant, it was only polite for my hosts to ask me what I wanted to eat, but I only knew the name of a handful of Chinese dishes. “What would you like to eat?” they would ask, expecting me to select a restaurant, or, if we were at the restaurant, a list of items (typically, a party at a restaurant will select enough items to cover the table with plates, not one entrée per person as is the norm in the US). This question was practically impossible for me to answer since the only restaurant names I knew were KFC and hot pot (not the name of a restaurant but a type of restaurant where meats, vegetables, and noodles are dipped into a broiling pot of spicy soup on your table). For dishes, I would select a certain kind of black mushroom (mu-er or 木耳/ “wood ear”) or I would try and get off the hook by saying, “Uh… chicken?”

I had no idea what was written on any of the menus, so the only way I could choose anything was by pointing at the pictures (if the menu had them) or by walking up front to the display coolers in the restaurant lobby and letting my pointer finger get to work. Living in a foreign country with abstruse written symbols meant almost always having adults choose my food for me when eating out, an experience that humbled me back to childhood.

It could also be frustrating, having to answer “What would you like to eat?” and thinking How should I know? This is your country’s food. You choose.

At the riverside park with Aunt Fong and Uncle Jiang.

At the riverside park with Aunt Fong and Uncle Jiang.

The dinner question I hated most was one of (Aunt Fong’s husband and therefore) “Uncle” Jiang’s favorites. I would reach out with my chopsticks to sample one of the many lukewarm meats from the pile of plates on the table (having so many dishes at one meal meant things often sat around while waiting for the rest to get cooked; I suppose that people had eventually gotten used to and preferred lukewarm platters- but they always drank hot water), and once I put the strange meat in my mouth Mr. Jiang would ask, “Dustin… what is that?”

I stopped chewing. “Beef?” I would venture, desperately hoping I was right. I knew it wasn’t chicken, or at least it looked nothing like chicken as I had seen it before.

“No,” Uncle Jiang spouted with a breathy Chinese accent.

It’s not beef, and it can’t be chicken- oh no- this had better be pork because it sure isn’t fish. “Is it pork?” I asked, stifling my voice from cracking.

“No.”

Oh no, it’s dog. I’m eating dog. That is the only other dark meat.

My throat stiffened. Maybe Uncle Jiang had misunderstood me or confused his vocabulary.

“No, I am wrong,” he said, “It is beef.”

I breathed easier and smiled. “Okay.”

Uncle Jiang played this mystery meat game with me on several occasions, usually following the same routine. I would begrudgingly guess wrong a couple times and then wait to hear from him that he was wrong and it was beef after all. He had no idea how nervous this made me. I never ate dog in China, as far as I know, but I did see it as butchered meat on a few occasions (as a skull with cheek meat or a whole red carcass), and the sight of a hanging, skinless dog was more difficult to see than I was prepared for.

Not very different from the “What restaurant do you like?” question was “What is your favorite tea?” As a tea culture, the Chinese can tell the subtle difference between red, white, green, and black teas and all their subtle varieties. When Americans say they prefer green over oo-long tea at a restaurant or coffee shop, I am skeptical they are faking it. To me, tea comes in two flavors: bitter and sugar-added. Asking someone their favorite kind of tea is a cultural assumption; it seemed a polite inquiry to my hosts but sounded baffling to me. They would bring their tea mugs and thermoses everywhere, and if there was tea in the mug it would be made obvious by the mass of loose green leaves soaking in the water. Tea bags weren’t used in China; the leaves were preserved whole for better appearance, smell, and flavor. The people scrupulously prized the different varieties, reserving the finest- those purchased at any of the abundant specialty tea shops- for gift-giving.

A cup of loose leaf tea. Better to use some kind of filter or leave the leaves in the tea pot, otherwise you have to constantly spit them out when you drink.

A cup of loose leaf tea. Better to use some kind of filter or leave the leaves in the tea pot, otherwise you have to constantly spit the leaves out when you drink.

One student gave me a bag of leaves (not from a tea plant) from her father’s garden that would sweeten a mug, so I added one of these leaves in with a few chrysanthemum blossoms for my morning beverage and started telling people “chrysanthemum” as my default “favorite tea” answer, which confused most of them because they had never heard the English word for, nor could they pronounce, chrysanthemum. This social defense worked for me until a Chinese English professor and tea connoisseur informed me that chrysanthemum is not actually a tea. I was thwarted. To move past this challenge, I would tell all future tea interrogators, “Um, green” and let that sink in with them as I thought to myself: Just give me some hot water. I don’t know anything about tea. Then my host, if I were a house guest, might counter with, “There is only red or black to drink.” Foiled again. Let it not be said that the Chinese are unschooled in the art of verbal ju-jitsu.

There were other categories of questions I struggled to politely dismiss. As the sole, exclusive American in the city, I was looked to as an expert or reservoir of knowledge on my home country. Students interested in graduate school abroad would ask me which schools had the best programs for music education, economics, language learning, or whatever it was they wanted to study. I had to think up ways to softly say, “I have no idea.” More than a few times someone asked me what the name of an American movie was by giving me the Chinese name and an unhelpful description of one detail they remembered about it. Conversely, many times I frustrated the Chinese and my interlocutor would grunt and complain, “Why don’t you know the Chinese name?”

I was expected to be familiar with any American city or state mentioned, which was fine because most Chinese only knew the major cities and tourist sites. The struggle came when they asked me about a specific university. The Ivy League schools are incredibly famous and revered in Chinese schools, and besides these, many students had looked into schools I had never heard of. They asked me how to get into Harvard or wherever it was they had their hopes set on, as if I had any idea or access.

More times than I cared to, I had to answer questions about my favorite NBA team or player, or what NBA team played in my hometown. I had no interest in basketball, which was a shock to them, so I flatly told them I never watched the NBA. Their reply: “But you’re so tall!” It would be like a child meeting an elf from the North Pole, getting a chance to excitedly ask it questions about Christmas, and hearing from the elf that it didn’t work for Santa and its family didn’t even celebrate Christmas. The NBA was the greatest thing in the world to them, and I came from the land of basketball, yet I didn’t share their love. “How could this be?” I’m sure they were thinking, if they ever thought in English. I explained to my Chinese friends that I did love to play basketball as a boy, ironically the only time in my life when I was not above average height.

The long defunct Waterloo Hawks, an NBA team from the city neighboring my hometown.

The long defunct Waterloo Hawks, an NBA team from the city neighboring my hometown.

At the middle school where I taught, the boys loved asking me about computer games. Note that what were called “TV Games” (Nintendo, Playstation, and X-Box) were considered too expensive in China, and almost no one owned them or played them. The students loved playing online games which were either cheap, free, or pirated. Their questions about computer games became so expected that I tried leading them on a few times. “Yes, I love CrossFire. Do you play CrossFire?” Before I told them I wasn’t serious, they were thrilled.

The most popular game among my male students, "CrossFire."

The most popular game among my male students, “CrossFire.”

One line of questioning I found humorous and also embarrassing was when a student would introduce himself and say, “I am from such and such a town. It is famous for pears. Do you know it?” Of course I never knew it, and the idea that foreigners would know of a Chinese town famous for pears made me smile on the inside. Related to this, the question would come up in conversations if I knew of some famous historical figure or Chinese emperor, and I had to plead ignorance. I imagined it must have felt like meeting someone who had never heard the name Thomas Jefferson or only faintly recognized George Washington. In a land where I had to struggle to explain to people who Elvis and the The Beatles were, I was often reminded that my own cultural knowledge or ignorance could be equally strange.

The Real China: Frequently Asked Questions

Think: when you last met a foreign exchange student or a recent immigrant, what did you ask him or her? “Where are you from?” “What city are you from?” “Do you like America?” Then, after the obvious, was there anything left to say? Sometimes, yes, in my experience there has been a spark of interest and it is fascinating to talk to someone with a foreign perspective. But, perhaps more commonly, the conversation dies there. Any chemistry is dampened by the discomforting cultural gap, the language gap, and having nothing in common to comment on other than, “So, how many people live in your country? …Oh, you don’t know?”

Keep this in mind.

My first semester in China, I was one of three foreign English teachers. The other two were Grant and Sue, a long-married Australian couple with adult children, a few grandchildren, and two and a half years of Chinese life experience under their belts. Grant and Sue were just about the liveliest and friendliest people I could have asked to meet in China. It was my good luck to have them there at the university so I could learn from them, meet local friends of theirs, and take in all their stories of world travel and adventure in Australia.

Sue was usually forthcoming with her opinion (she wasn’t rude- a lovely lady, with a bounty of energy and experience, and a lot of fun), and one thing she sounded off on was a weekly obligation of us foreign teachers: English Corner. Contractually, we were expected to spend a couple hours on Friday afternoon at “English Corner,” a meeting at a park on campus, where any student at the university could come meet us and practice their conversation skills. I was curious about what kind of characters we might see down there, and a little flattered that we would be the center of attention. According to Sue, I had my hopes set too high.

At my first English Corner, I won the "Who's Tallest?" contest. Also, curious students came to get their picture taken with me.

At my first English Corner, I won the “Who’s Tallest?” contest. Also, curious students came to get their picture taken with me.

“Oh, it’s awful!” she began, “You finish your last class for the week, and you just want to be done, but then you have to go out there and talk to these students, and there’s only so many time you can answer, ‘Do you like Chinese food?’” Her speech was filled with big gestures and a swelling Australian voice (trust me, it was very amusing in person; I’d give you my comedic impression of it if I could, or better yet, book yourself a flight to Brisbane and ask Sue about English Corner in person). For a moment I wondered if she were just being a spoilsport about it, but she went on, “I’m sorry, but I’ve answered, ‘Yes, I can use chopsticks’ too many times.”

I maintained a cheery attitude nevertheless, and having Grant and Sue around to entertain the Chinese students and coax them out of their shells certainly helped matters, but before long my attitude soured from answering the same questions that Sue had lamented.

Young Chinese students are not only hamstrung by very limited English speaking skills, they are also crippled by weak social skills. Day to day, as far as I could tell, they spent much of their free time in quiet or solitary activities. When not in class or studying, which was not all that often, most students spent their time on the computer, surfing the net, or playing computer games- although I did see packed ping-pong tables and volleyball, basketball, and badminton courts daily. Most were unwilling to speak to someone outside their circle, and for those who were daring enough to try, they lacked the know-how to make small talk.

And while American students generally like to go out on weekends and like heavy doses of partying or drinking, I never heard of Chinese students going to bars Friday after class or getting a group together to go bar-hopping. There was no such thing as Chinese house parties or fraternities. I heard of students going out to KTV (karaoke) and going out to eat sometimes, sure, but their orbit strongly gravitated around the campus. And within that sphere, their orbit was confined to their classmates, since Chinese university classes are a consistent group of students that attends every subject and lecture together instead of mixing up the students for each subject/class like in the U.S. Outgoing individuals could make friends beyond their roommates or classmates through attending extracurricular clubs. For the most part, their social interactions, like people the world over, centered on the same groups who went to the same activities, only more so; a highly insular pattern.

So, as a teacher, the social behavior I observed in class was the carefree in-joking of friendly pairs who had spent so much time together they had created their own world of excited chatter mixed with horseplay. Boys would play-wrestle and hit each other. The girls loved giggling. The immovably introverted would twirl their pens in silence, practice calligraphy, study their history books, or do their math homework. The quiet ones seemed very studious, but the net effect was surprisingly childish. Remember that the average Chinese student is a couple inches shorter than the average American, much skinnier, and most likely wearing clothes that Americans would associate with pre-teens or children. Girls with uniform bangs and pig-tails wore outfits decorated with cartoon characters or bright designs of stars and alleged “English” writing. In maturity, outlook, and attitude, there is a world of difference between an American college student and a Chinese.

The ingrained inward nature of my young students, their unfailing passivity and inevitable “I’m shy” or “I have nussing to say” responses, and the inherent difficulty of our disparate languages and customs made it so that, in conversation, I could not get the ball rolling no matter how friendly I was, no matter how adroit I was at wording new questions.

An exception to the rule was "Emily," a delightful high school student who enjoyed telling me about her English studies and her family, and even enjoyed singing songs for me.

An exception to the rule was “Emily,” a delightful high school student who enjoyed telling me about her English studies and her family, and even enjoyed singing songs for me.

As I came to know, along with Sue, meeting young people in China followed variations on the same pattern of a skinny, pipe-armed boy asking, “Do you like… Chinese food?” and smiling with glee that he had asked me, this foreign curiosity, a real question in English. I became so worn down by these same, simple social interactions that I became too fatigued to care anymore. I could not bring myself to smile after awhile, and I responded to all the predictable questions with muted, rote answers. I went into China adventurous and eager, and my intent was to be a good sport in every situation, so it did take a large number of dreary experiences to drip down and erode my resolve, but those trying times added up quickly. A man can only answer the same question so many times before his heart takes a bow and his mumbling mouth takes over.

I, like many foreigners in China before and after me I’m sure, thought it would have been easier to hand strangers a bi-lingual card of frequently asked questions and save us each the hassle of going through the pointless routine. Then, the truly interested would have to come up with their own questions and we could both move into more interesting territory.

So here is a write-up of my hypothetical FAQ card. The questions below reflect the actual wording of my Chinese interviewers.

Q: “Are you America/ Are you American/ Where are you come from?”
A: Yes, I’m from America. I live in Iowa; it’s close to Chicago and the Mississippi River. (“Oh, Mi-shu-shee-pee.” Hearing students say, “Where are you come from?” drove me up a wall. And China provided plenty both of ungrammatical questions and walls with which I could climb up. I could tolerate other grammar slip-ups, but this one had me giving my answer through gritted teeth. It was one of the few cases where I would blurt out grammar correction.)

Q: “Do you like Chinese food?”
A: Some of it is fine. (This is my polite answer. It is a true answer, but I spare them any criticism for their country’s unsanitary food preparation and rudimentary recipes that basically went: “Step 1: Chop it up. Step 2: Stir-fry it in an inch-deep pool of oils or boil it in soup. Apply Step 1 and Step 2 to whatever it is you are planning on eating.”)

"DOYOULIKE... CHI-NESE FOOD?"

“DOYOULIKE… CHI-NESE FOOD?”

Q: “How long are you in China/ How long will you come to China?”
A: The length of my stay is two semesters: September to July.

Q: “Can you use chopsticks?”
A: Yes. (What a non-starter this question was. What kind of a follow-up question can you transition into? The answer is either yes or no, and it felt a little insulting to think that I had been in China for months and still hadn’t figured it out. This question was probably the most egregious example of “Hey everybody, it’s a foreigner! Let’s all come gawk! I wonder if it has met Obama or Kobe.” To test myself, and out of spite for this question, I started to practice eating with my left hand. I thought that it would allow me to taunt, “I can use chopsticks with either hand, so that makes me better than you at chopsticks.” But the only person I actually teased with this was my gracious Aunt Fong.)

"You want to know if I can use chopsticks? I've got the photographic proof right here."

“You want to know if I can use chopsticks? I’ve got the photographic proof right here.”

Q: “Do you/ Are you like China?”
A: Sure. (Spoken dryly.)

Q: “Can you speak Chinese?”
A: A little. (I would almost always refuse to demonstrate this for a few good reasons:
1. Language is a conversation, not a demonstration, and it is very off-putting to be prompted, “Say something Chinese.” It is a natural question for people to ask, but it is usually a rude request. In my high school in Iowa, a classmate with immigrant parents from Taiwan was occasionally pestered to either “Say something in Chinese” or asked, “How do you say this in Chinese?” He would always flatly reply, “No” and shake his head. At first, I was taken aback by his standard reaction, but once I thought about it, and especially after I experienced it myself, I understood why he did this. I basically did the same. Imagine, reader, if someone prompted you in a cloying voice to “Say something in English!” Maybe you’d have a quote at the ready, but my guess is that, like me, you would be stuck for words, save the thought, “I wish you hadn’t put me on the spot.”

2. Chinese, as a language, sounds terrible, and the sounds it does make are nearly indistinguishable (more on that later). I wasn’t about to doubly humiliate myself by speaking their language impromptu, only to have them say, “What!” or have them assume the teacherly role and correct me that I was using the wrong tone (if you aren’t familiar with Chinese, every word has a tone- there are four standard tones- and if you say something with a high tone instead of a low tone, for example, then your listeners will be confused and probably won’t understand what you are trying to say).

3. I was bored with this question and I no longer wanted to endure their fulsome surprise when I spoke a sample sentence correctly.)

Q: “Do you have a girlfriend?”
A: No. (I became tired of this one, too- it never led anywhere. Only giggles from onlookers who were too shy to ask a second question. So, I followed my Aunt Fong’s advice and I started telling people, “It’s a secret.” They would usually persist, even if I told them “it is a secret” in Chinese. Okay, so I would use Chinese with strangers when I had to.)

Q: “Do you want a Chinese girlfriend?”
A: As long as I don’t have to live in China. (I was tempted, but I never actually said that. I usually just blushed.)

Q: “How old are you?”
(Reluctantly, I would give this answer out. I tried avoiding a direct answer by telling them I was in my 20’s, or “it’s a secret.” Of course, a fool and his question are not soon parted, so they would just repeat themselves more forwardly until I gave them what they wanted. Because of my young face, most people were eager to know. One taxi driver guessed that I was 16.)

Q: “What is your QQ number?”
A: I don’t know. I have one, but I don’t know it. (Gasps of shock. “You don’t know your QQ number?!”

What is QQ? The Chinese government has an office that electronically patrols their Great Firewall, blocking controversial search terms and social websites like Facebook and Twitter. The most popular social software in China, among children and adults, is QQ, a chat program with add-ons like personal profile pages. Chinese students exchange phone numbers to text each other, but equally important is one’s QQ number. Me telling them, “I don’t know it” sounded as absurd to their ears as saying, “Yeah, I’ve got a phone, but I’m not sure what the number is.” More shocking to them was when I told them that no one in America uses QQ and no one has ever heard of it. “But how do you chat?” they would cry. My reply: “People just use Facebook and Twitter.” Or Snapchat, Instagram, whatever.)

The things I was asked were the obvious, immediate things a Chinese person would ask a foreigner, and of course that is why I heard them so frequently. This was wearying, but the real problem was that these questions were usually the entire conversation. They didn’t lead anywhere. Conversations didn’t build depth of meaning or relationship. After a student asked one question, they were usually done. Confidence and English language reserves spent. I would have to put in the work and follow up “Do you like Chinese food?” and other questions by asking them in return, “How about you? Do you like foreign food? Pizza? Pasta?” Usually, they would tell me no, they only liked Chinese food. And that was it. End of conversation tree. My time in China was a lonely experience not because no one tried to speak English to me- just the opposite, I had strangers enough who would try that- but because the questions and conversations had nothing to say.

One of many strangers who asked to take his picture with me. In this case, while I was touring the Great Wall.

One of many strangers who asked to take his picture with me. In this case, while I was touring the Great Wall.

Handsome in China

320225_839216721183_1987679611_nFirst day of class at the local middle school, walking up the stairwell past hundreds of young Chinese pupils, and a young voice bellows out at its breaking point: “HANDSOME! YOU ARE HANDSOME!” I swiveled my head to search the stairwell for the red-faced boy who had screamed it out. SCUH-REAMED screamed. He yelled like only a middle school boy could. Of the surprising amount of admiration I was already adding up, his unrestrained shouting stood out.

Almost anyone who goes to Asia to teach English is guaranteed to hear, over and over, by one and all, how good-looking they are. In fact, if an American teacher didn’t hear a generous amount of personal compliments, I would be worried that they had a tumorous growth on their face or a horrendous skin disease. Then again- no joke- while overseas I did meet an American guy with some skin condition that turned him grayish-purple. Other than that he looked healthy, and he had a young Korean wife and a baby, so maybe there are no disqualifications. Readers, take note: if you spend enough time with the locals in China and they don’t tell you how handsome or beautiful you are, demand why not.

Even so, while I learned to laugh off these compliments as a general cultural phenomenon, something sweet that needed to be taken with a grain of salt, it still seemed as if people were going out of their way to praise me in particular. I decided to test it. I shared some pictures of my friend Andrew with one of my college classes. Physically fit with a strong, smooth jawline, and clear eyes- I thought if my students didn’t think he was an attractive American specimen then they didn’t know what handsome was. When I displayed some pictures from our vacation together in Thailand, immediately I heard from my students how handsome I looked. Yeah, yeah, as expected, but thank you all the same. As jaded and knowing as I wanted to pretend I was, “handsome” compliments never lost their charm. “But what about Andrew? Do you think he’s handsome?” I asked. “En,” came the muted reply. One girl flat out told me “no.”

Blurry or not, Andrew is a good-looking guy, despite what my students might tell you.

Blurry or not, Andrew is a good-looking guy, despite what my students might tell you.

Stunned, I struggled as how I should interpret their reaction. My English class wasn’t seen as being nearly as important as other university classes, so I could rule out personal flattery to get a better grade out of me. Perhaps they just preferred lighter hair colors and blue eyes? I ran the experiment again, this time with small portrait pictures of every member of my father’s side of the family. My younger brother is a lot blonder than I am, with blue eyes and a pleasing smile, so surely my students would be impressed by him, I thought. I asked what they thought of my brother, then what they thought of my cousin’s strawberry blonde husband. “Don’t you think they’re handsome?” I baited.

“No,” said one of my male students, “Only you are handsome.” I laugh at it now, but he was completely serious.

As with most every American, when I met people in China, it was better than an even chance they would tell me I was handsome. And, as in the example above, even the men said so.

Once, while out chatting with the curious English-speaking students at our university campus along with my fellow foreign English teachers, Grant and Sue, a young man approached me and, sure enough, after asking where I came from, blurted out how handsome he thought I was. Sue and I shared a humorous glance with each other- it was a running joke at that point- and she remarked to me about the gap between Western culture, where the men are not supposed to say such things. Then she told my admirer, “In our countries, we don’t do that. Men aren’t supposed to tell other men they’re handsome! It’s just not done.”

The student looked at her blankly, and plainly stated, “But it’s true!” Sue didn’t know what to say after that.

Even if someone contradicted my alleged handsomeness, he and his like-minded countrymen would have none of it.

When they told me so, I told them thanks, they were very kind. That was what I worked out as my polite response after an awkward phase of smiling and not knowing what to say. I worried that it might make me sound conceited in a culture where it was standard to deflect and deny compliments by saying, “No, not at all.” But as the student above proved, I would not have been successful in negating what they said. For awhile, I thought it might seem more humble to reciprocate the kind words, so I would say, “Thanks! I think you’re handsome, too.” But that just seemed to make the situation tenser, and they might look at me askance and ask why I thought that.

If it was a group of girls giggling about me, I sometimes blushed. To my American sensibilities, it was out of the ordinary, even off-putting, to hear people comment on my appearance, especially when they were pouring on the praise. I was amazed to hear them say they thought I was handsome, or the Chinese word for “cool young man.” My experience and upbringing had not prepared me for this.

At English Corner in the campus park, girls like these to come gawk and get a picture.

At English Corner in the campus park, foreign teachers could expect girls like these to come gawk and get a picture.

Even most adults and the college professors said so when they met me. One English professor told me, while we were waiting in an English office for our student-interview meeting to begin, “Oh, Dustin, you are so handsome. All the girls like you.” He meant it. It took all my power not to burst out laughing. I thanked him awkwardly, yet kindly, for that special compliment.

And every Joe Average from America will hear from his Chinese inspectors how much he resembles Tom Cruise or Tom Hanks or some other Hollywood superstar. On my campus, there were quite a few students who watched the American TV show Prison Break who told me that I looked like the main character, Michael Scofield (played by Wentworth Miller). I cannot vouch for that, but at that same English meeting I mentioned, with student scholarship applicants sitting one at a time before a long table of English language professors, one girl sat down and immediately began by saying how attractive she thought I was and how closely I resembled Michael Scofield. She had to fit that in as part of her self-introduction; didn’t even let anyone ask her any questions first. Then she smiled in nervous embarrassment, as did I.

My celebrity comparison in China: the very handsome American actor, Wentworth Miller.

My celebrity comparison in China: the very handsome American actor, Wentworth Miller.

I don't see the resemblance.

I don’t see the resemblance.

A couple times, when I passed by a group of girls, they called out after me. What a turn of the tables compared to my American life! Usually, when my onlookers wanted to get a kick out of me, they would holler a high-pitched “Hello!” as soon as my back was turned to them, but on a few occasions some giggly students waited until I was past and blurted out, “I think you are handsome!”

After a while, it almost became easy to believe. Really, I knew coming in that people would notice my tall figure in a crowd and many Americans had already seen their stock rise after coming to Asia. I would have been more surprised to not receive praise. For most of my Chinese admirers, I was the only foreigner they had ever met in person. In an area of a couple million people, I was one of only a handful of white faces. (How’s that for a pleasant literary image? A handful of faces.) The only other white people I saw around my town were the Australian couple, Grant and Sue, who lived across from me in my campus apartment building, and on a few rare occasions some foreign English teachers in the nearby mid-sized city.

And even if the Chinese said I was handsome, it was more like I was a curiosity- something to look at. A novelty who was good for a picture, not an interview. Or, if there was interaction through words, it was the same three questions (“Where are you come from?” (sic) “How old are you?” “Do you like Chinese food?”) or English as a stunt. At the middle school, the students liked to shout “Hello!” to me as a game of daring, or for their own entertainment they could call out my Chinese name “Li Da-Sen!” At the university, the students would sometimes do a double-take, and if they were with a group of friends, I could expect a jocular, “Hello!”

Everything I did was conspicuous, so occasionally I would hear from one of my students when and where so-and-so or so-and-so’s friend sighted me on campus or around town. I behaved myself every time I went out for a bowl of beef noodles or for a trip to the market, because I knew that eyes were always on me and I would eventually hear reports about what I did earlier in the week from someone who watched me do it. I even found out from a few girls that my celebrity picture (students would stealthily use their camera phone to take my picture while I lectured in class- some students would even sit in on my class just to watch me and take my picture) had made the rounds on Chinese internet sites and reached their friends in cities many provinces removed from ours.

And where celebrity goes, gossip is sure to follow. Once, a student I met on campus told me, “I heard someone say that Dustin has two kids.” That was the only rumor I ever heard. I can only hope I was spared from other wild fables.

With a baby. Not my baby.

With a baby. Not my baby.

Being called handsome in China taught me an important lesson. I had to travel halfway around the globe to do it, but once I was there, I had changed my world. My status in society and my esteem in other’s eyes were completely different than my place in America. In my home country, I had been ignored and excluded so much that I thought it was a law of the universe. Gravity pulls objects toward objects of greater mass just as surely as women and attention are only attracted to the rich, powerful, and showy, I thought. I never expected to receive compliments on my appearance until that imaginary day when my face was on a magazine cover. I thought I would have to settle for my female relatives’ familial pride whenever I dressed up for holidays.

China taught me otherwise. Who I was changed with where I lived. I was a nobody in America, or next to it, but I was handsome in China. I had an outsider’s place in society, or a lack of place in society, but coming from America, being young, and being perceived as handsome meant my position was one of minor celebrity.

I have to say that I preferred it to no celebrity, or no attention at all. Conversations were much easier to start, and I could talk to anyone with the expectation that they would “give me the time of day.” I no longer had to mumble timidly and lower my gaze around people who did not seem comfortable with me. The first time I walked into a classroom in China, the students erupted into gleeful applause. No exaggeration, that happened multiple times. (Of course, that wore off after they became bored with my class as it was inevitable they would be. All I could do was talk at them- in incomprehensible English!)

Still, I could not shake off my shyness. My meek character had been formed by years of being a silent man of little importance in the Midwest. Even when my Chinese students and friends looked at me expectantly, mouths open in wide smiles- even when I wanted to dazzle them- I struggled to find the words and enthusiasm. I would watch in admiration as Grant and Sue, the Australians, would tell breathless tales about life on the Gold Coast, driving on the beach, hunting for mud crabs, spotting snakes and wild birds around their house, while all of their young onlookers (myself included) were bound to them in smiling silence. I did my best, I raised my voice and tried to make simple jokes, I tried to be like Grant and Sue, but I struggled to build any social momentum with my listeners. (And it was “listeners” mostly, as Chinese students go mute by default and will almost never speak unless called upon by name.) I was Sisyphus struggling up a steep of stone dispositions, always sinking back to the unsure feeling of a failed comedian.

What I faced on a daily basis. Note the girl on the right-hand side who is taking my picture with her phone.

What I faced on a daily basis. Note the girl on the right-hand side who is taking my picture with her phone.

Walking into a room, I would immediately arrest the attention of everyone, but I could not hold it. I was as shy and introverted as the quiet Chinese students as I was trying to model speech to. It was beautiful, and humbling, irony that I was teaching Chinese students the basics of English conversation. I often looked over the text’s rudimentary reminders (e.g. “English speakers often precede personal questions by using a hesitant statement such as ‘I hope you don’t mind, but…’”) and I would think to myself how sensible and helpful the advice was. Wow! I could use that! I needed to be taught basic social skills and conversation, too.

But I was the teacher, so I had to be an example for my students. I had a strong sense of English conversation, if not real comfort and mastery of it; I was at least able to discuss it with my students. I was not a typical American, but I could relate to them how Americans typically behaved. Often, I found myself, a definite non-fan of spectator sports, telling my Chinese charges about American football and American sports culture, among other topics I had detached insight into. I was not interested in American sports personally, but I did find it a fascinating subject to talk about and a convenient topic to teach. I was an atypical American teaching, if not exactly modelling, what Americans were like.

Like a circular knot, I could not tell where my position and personality started and where it met with the representative, handsome American teacher in my students’ imagination. My identity was intertwined with strands of my old self- conditioned by my lowly rank in America- and the new handsome man I was in Chinese society. My heart never truly accepted my celebrity. Though I was grateful to finally feel what it was like to be admired and noticed by the masses. It was flattering and it made it easy to win friends, but it also taught me that popularity is, like most everything, a meaningless pursuit. Even with the affection of a classroom of girls’ eyes, my loneliness remained. I still carried hidden burdens on my heart. My face enjoyed a wonderful reception in China; I could not say the same for my soul.

When I later lived In Korea, I was still handsome, but I was runner-up to my school's Number 1 Most Handsome Teacher, the P.E. teacher. This honor was bestowed by the 5th grade girls.

When I later lived In Korea, I was still handsome, but I was runner-up to my school’s Number 1 Most Handsome Teacher, the P.E. teacher. This honor was bestowed by the 5th grade girls.

The Real China: Preparations

When I was a boy, I thought Chinese people were straw hat-wearing duck herders who grew their rat tails long and delivered their punishments swiftly, reed in hand, on any delinquent ducklings caught lollygagging. I also told my parents that I wanted to eat all the rice in China. I did love steamed rice.

All this farmer is missing is a switch and a misbehaving duck with which to whip it with.

All this farmer is missing is a switch and a misbehaving duck with which to whip it with.

My ideas about China changed as I grew, of course, yet with my departure for the Far East mere months away, I had the impression that my imaginings were still somewhat cartoonish and definitely murky. I had made a large commitment in coming to live there for at least a year. What was I really getting into?

My arrival and first day of classes were scheduled for September 1st. At the moment, Lent was beginning and I was headed to New York City. I had enrolled in a four-week intensive course through a satellite school of the University of Cambridge to prepare myself to teach English as a Second Language (ESL). My ESL-experienced friend recommended this as the best preparation for its respected reputation and straightforward teaching lessons. So that was that, my decision was made easy. Only, I would have to travel quite a ways from my Midwestern abode to get to a school.

Making ready for the culture shock of China in the not-a-little shocking confines of New York City, I spent my stay there as a detached observer, touring only a few places over the weekends and mostly studying and preparing lessons for my student-teaching. Coming from a small city in Iowa, sharing a subway train with someone talking to themselves (or to the voices in their head), surrounded by the most colorful mass of humanity on earth, and being routinely given a dead stare or evil eye by all service employees and most passersby made me wonder what was wrong with America’s most famous city. And yet, by the end of my stay, I had learned to enjoy my temporary home. Would I learn to appreciate the weird, the irritating, and the wild in the world’s most populous country, the same as I had in America’s most crowded city?

While at the ESL teacher training course, I met some English teachers with experience and tried to pump them for opinions on their time abroad.

Sitting with two teachers who had lived in China, I asked them about the food and other areas of life there. I received the same response from both: a shell-shocked grimace and a slow shake of the head.

“What does that mean?” I nervously questioned.

They struggled to find words to describe the food, so one just cautioned me that I would probably lose 10 to 15 pounds there.

“It’s that bad, huh?” I commented.

They shook their heads lamentably again. “I would find a place that you like, where you know the menu, and just go there to eat. That’s what I did. Find a restaurant you can trust and stick with it.”

It went unspoken, I think because their grief was ineffable and intricately connected to the many complicated facets of life in China, but I suspected a deep reserve of bad feelings, expressed wordlessly, towards the country neither seemed eager to return to.

In our student-teaching classes, my fellow trainees and I taught lessons to city residents and foreign tourists on an “English holiday” who wanted a free English class. It was kind of like a discount haircut from beauty school students, only we couldn’t make anyone ugly, only bored. One student, an enthusiastic and jovial man named Hui (rhymes with “way,” that is, “h’way”), came from Nanjing, and he had me believing I would get along great with his countrymen back in China.

Hui at a rock garden in his hometown, Nanjing.

Hui at a rock garden in his hometown, Nanjing.

On the first day of class, I observed Hui during another teacher’s lesson and nearly interrupted it with guffaws. Each student had drawn a card with a mystery occupation, and their partner had to ask them questions to determine their identity (example: Construction Worker. “Do you work in an office?” “No.” “Do you work outside?” “Yes.” “Are you a construction worker?” “Yes.”) Hui was partnered with a young Japanese woman who looked terrified to be standing up and facing her classmate instead of listening to a teacher talk.

Hui was eagerly rattling off questions and getting shot down by her negative responses, but having the time of his life nonetheless. Her card read “Ballet Dancer,” probably the trickiest of all the occupations in the exercise, and Hui ended his series of questions to her by asking, “Do you make seengs weess your hands?” He was told curtly, yet softly, again, “No.”

Then Hui exclaimed with his whole voice and body, “Oh! How secret you are! Teacher, she is being so secretive!” And you have to envision, while Hui was making big, happy gestures- playfully pointing his finger at his secretive partner- his Japanese counterpart stood there unflinchingly, as stiff as a corpse.

Happy Hui

Happy Hui

I smiled and shook with silent laughter, trying not to disturb the class. Hui had won my heart. A week later, I was able to interview him for a class assignment, and later still, he and I went out to lunch together. We talked about his time in America and his family, and I was able to ask him how he thought I would fare in his homeland.

Hui told me I would have many “advantages” over Chinese citizens. For one, I would be treated with a lot of leniency as a foreign guest, forgiven social missteps because of my ignorance. Also, I might be able to find work at a big company because they needed Americans to handle international business.

I asked him about the girls in China, because I thought I would have a disadvantage in a lopsided population without enough marriageable females to go around.

“Oh no!” Hui corrected me, “I think the Chinese girls will like you very much! He, he, he!” He tended to end his sentences with laughter, and one of my fellow teacher trainees nicknamed him “Happy Hui” because of it. Happy Hui predicted that Chinese girls would like a tall, fair-skinned foreigner with blue eyes, and even though I never took “advantage” of this, it turned out I was as fortunately conspicuous as he thought.

Hui also said that I would be able to get away with things in China because of my advantages. If, for example, my actions would get a Chinese citizen arrested, I would probably only be cautioned. A penalty of imprisonment or worse would likewise be downgraded to deportation. Later on in China, I had the sense that Hui was correct, but I never felt the need to test my boundaries.

Back in Iowa, in that interim before my late-August flight to Beijing, I did more online research, scouring ESL forums and websites related to life in China, and had more conversations with friends and family about my journey.

One friend, whose family emigrated from Hong Kong when he was a small child, confirmed one of Hui’s points, using a different style of speaking. “The internet is restricted there,” he told me about a familiar fact, “so you can’t use Facebook or YouTube or anything like that. In China, there’s no freedom of speech, but they don’t care if you start a fire in the street. It’s a really different place.” Once in China, I found out he, too, was right. The people started fires in the streets (not that big, just curbside fires of paper mostly) and did whatever they pleased.

What else could I expect in China? After culling through countless internet sites, I noticed that commentators said several things in common.

China-ready with my own straw hat.

China-ready with my own straw hat.

Spitting
Nearly every complaint on China mentioned indiscreet public spitting. In my later travels throughout the Middle Kingdom, I observed this to be very true. I did not see groups of people spitting simultaneously, but I witnessed individuals spitting wherever they felt like (in a classroom, in a hotel lobby, inside a restaurant, anywhere outside, and every place they felt like except inside someone’s home- in that case they would use a waste basket), spitting about as often as one hears sneezes in public. And the worst part was they didn’t just lower their head to spit and let saliva fall with a gentle “ptooh” sound, they fully hawked their throats and launched it- an ugly little stain that would splat against the ground. Even worse, they did it shamelessly, replacing their cigarette in their lips in an unconscious habit, returning to the conversation without missing a beat, or, in the case of the classroom, getting right back to their notes.

I read that the Chinese believe swallowing the phlegm was unhealthy as it was supposed to collect impurities in the environment and in the body. I would also come to find out that Chinese home cures and medical advice were largely based on a generations’ old collection of old wives’ tales (e.g. the common cure-all was to drink a glass of hot water). Several times throughout the year I was forbidden by my aunt or some minder from eating certain foods based on the season (e.g. no peanuts in hot weather, they didn’t say why).

Pollution
Anyone with even a passing interest in China has doubtlessly read about the unbearable levels of pollution in Chinese cities. The people wear surgical masks in China, sometimes when they are ill or afraid of catching an illness, but often to filter the incredibly filthy air.

When Aunt Fong was walking with me once in Iowa, I asked her why she liked my hometown so much, and she told me because of its blue sky. I was taken aback. Wasn’t the sky blue everywhere? Not in China, where cloud and atmosphere are indistinguishable, and the sun appears as a dim flashlight shining through dirty dishwater.

In the summertime, being in China felt like living in a greenhouse with smog walls. The sunlight wasn’t beating on your back, but the bright heat covered you like a moist blanket. Throughout the year, the sky was a lurid wash of grays, yellows, and browns, and I quickly longed for clear, open skies. The pollution was an oppressive pall that darkened every day. It had a continuous, crushing effect on my morale.

The worst the pollution ever got was in late April-early May, when the local farmers had gathered in the wheat harvest. Once the fields were gleaned of their grain, the farmers would set fire to the remaining straw. Multiply the effect of one small field by the thousands of farms in the area, add that to the significant mechanical pollution already saturating the air, and the net effect was the smell of burning, an acrid, stinging sensation in the nostrils and eyes, and all that you might expect if you held your face above a campfire.

That intense forest fire-like period lasted for about a week and a half. It was comparatively clear after that, which doesn’t say much. Simply breathing was a health hazard in China.

Loud Talking
The Chinese have a reputation for speaking loudly and directly. I read from several people online who said that people would address a stranger at full volume and the two parties would immediately get into a near-shouting match. When I witnessed this with my own eyes, an English-speaking Chinese friend on a couple different occasions tried to explain it away by saying that foreigners often think that Chinese are arguing when they are really only having a simple discussion of common exchange. “They are only talking!” my interpreter tried to laugh it off. I was left unconvinced.

From what I had read while in America, I expected the people in China to be noisy most of the time. In reality, they spoke in a normal tone with friends or in private (around a dinner table with a big group they would start to get uproarious, which is not really remarkable). The loud voices emerged whenever people called for strangers or talked in public places. Then, commands issued like impatient line cooks shouting over the clamor of a busy kitchen.

Continued in Predictions

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