Mantis Versus

"You can observe a lot by watching." -Yogi Berra

Page 6 of 6

The Real China: Predictions

A table full of plates at a Chinese wedding.

A table full of plates at a Chinese wedding.

Continued from The Real China: Preparations

Strange Food
From the opinions of my fellow trainees in New York, and from various voices online, I gained the sense that Chinese food was beloved only by the Chinese. I imagined a bland and unappetizing mix of foods that should not go together or be prepared the way the people liked to prepare them. I imagined unidentifiable foods in gray sauces, or all kinds of crawling creatures and animals laid out in an exotic and intimidating spread, like from a film set.

The truth was not far off, yet not so horrific. I will illustrate with a story from my English class in New York.

A fellow teacher-trainee gave the students a pamphlet to read about a farm that cared for abandoned animals and “food animals.” One student asked, “What is a food animal?”

The teacher said, “You know… cows, chickens, pigs… any animal that can be eaten as food.”

The one Chinese student in the class responded dryly to the teacher’s comment, “Every animal is a food animal.”

Chinese tastes differ depending on region, and every individual has preferences and dislikes (some as finicky as a picky diner in America or wherever), but in Chinese cuisine, all food options are very much on the table.

Turtle soup. I was expected to eat the chewy rim of the shell. Seriously.

Turtle soup. As a guest, I was expected to eat the chewy rim of the shell. Seriously.

I didn’t think this would bother me, I tried to reason that dog and cat were animals and fit for food just like the rest, but when I saw my first red flesh-covered canine skull, I winced, and I had to turn away from the skinned dog carcass hanging upside-down in the morning market.

In China, I saw that food was often bought in the streets, from local vendors who brought their produce into town to sell on tarps they laid out in the roads and sidewalks. Or, if selling chickens, ducks, or geese, the birds were tied up with a strip of plastic strung around one ankle, held in cages, or possibly set on top of the cage or laid down in a pile on the street.

The markets were a free-form zoo of people, fruits, vegetables, live fish and fowl, crabs, crawdads, clothes, dogs (usually the live kind, wandering the streets), pet birds, and the interweaving traffic of motorcycles, honking cars, and tractors. Some markets gathered under the roof of a permanent shelter, which meant no cars or tractors and only rarely a motor scooter. A few city employees would come by every afternoon to hose off the pavement and sweep up the broad swaths of refuse, but their effort was never equal to the size and staggering smell of the mess.

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And that is how I saw most people buy their daily groceries in China. They would also make trips to the supermarkets and department stores, of course, and in those the produce and meat sections could be just as wild. There would be rows of tanks for fish, turtles, frogs, crustaceans, eels, and other sea creatures (the “Seafood” and “Pets” sections in Chinese Wal-Mart overlap) and they would often be set up in stair-step levels so hoses could transfer water between them. Raw meat would be sitting out on a counter, uncovered and undated. In the streets, I saw sides of beef hanging over the side of a motorcycle truck and dragging along the pavement with its bloody tip. Also, in the street markets, cuts of red meat were suspended on hooks for sale, being picked over by the flies as they awaited a buyer.

Next to the live seafood and raw meat in the supermarkets were the dried meats and sausages. Whole ducks and geese were strung up by the neck, their flattened bodies displaying all their ribs and the dried flesh that clung to them.
I’m sure my Chinese hosts had no idea what was going through my mind when I walked with them through the markets. I often wished I could bring my mother (who will not eat whole fish because she doesn’t want her food looking at her) and my grandmother on an entertaining tour through the food markets, but I think they would become nauseous or faint. A Chinese food market is the quickest way to open a Westerner’s eyes to life outside the modern world.

Networking
China is known for having a collectivist culture, for children fervently serving their parents in reverent, Confucian obedience, for its zealous advance of the Chinese communist state, and also for its intricate network of social relationships.

The Chinese/Mandarin word for these relationships and social power is guanxi (pronounced gwan-shee, so I’ll write it out gwan-shee since I’m writing in English). In my research, I read that gwan-shee was big on the Chinese mind, and no business could be done without it. I read of foreigners coming up against roadblocks when going to the bank or city government office and being dumbfounded that no one would process their forms. The inconveniences were not an absolute policy; each place handled things differently and business often proceeded without a hitch. Still, strangers needed a mediator to introduce them to business contacts and government officials; without the social connections they would remain powerless.

This brick wall of apathy and willful ignorance plagued the local citizens, too.

When I talked with college students, I heard from them the saying that besides the results of the national college placement test (which is determined by a score tabulated by machines and faceless strangers), nothing in China was fair. If you needed a medical procedure done right away in a good hospital, you had better know the doctor or have plenty of cash to grease the social gears. I was very lucky to know Aunt Fong and always have her or a representative from my university’s Department of Foreign Affairs to escort me. Not only did they translate the language for me, they cleared the social hurdles and introduced me to the right people.

I was on the bad end of gwan-shee, too. Before my first day of teaching, I met with a bunch of teachers and government officials as they all sat around smoking and chatting. Then we had a big celebratory dinner. I found out that the meeting was between my employers at the university and the head officials of the local middle school. The university had agreed to split my teaching hours with the middle school, so I would spend the first semester teaching half of my hours at each. This turned into a nightmare, as the middle school gig involved me worthlessly straining to get 50 unwilling pupils to listen and speak, usually making a fool of myself and wasting my breath. Later, I became privy to the knowledge that the university officials were not happy with my middle school duties either, but because the head of the middle school was a powerful man with gwan-shee connections all over town, they were helpless to stop it.

After reflecting on the Chinese way and comparing it to others, I don’t think the gwan-shee system is radically unlike any other society’s way of doing business, it is only more pronounced. They assume the power of social relationships from the get-go and discuss it out in the open, whereas other nations might delude themselves that private affairs are all work and talent-based, and public systems are all equal access. I think people everywhere could agree that that is the way that things should be, but our world is not so neat or fair. Or, as they say in China, only the gaokao is fair.

People Mountain, People Sea
The Chinese idiom for their phenomenon of crowded cities is “people mountain, people sea.” I remember, as a university student taking a class on China, when my professor announced that his home country’s official population had surpassed 1.3 billion people. That figure was astounding. How could I comprehend it? What did it look like? How did 1.3 billion people translate into a daily reality? I had read about mega-cities like Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, and Shenzhen, but what did it feel like to take the subway in these cities or walk the streets? Was it possible to find peace and quiet? Was there personal space?

"Has anyone seen my personal space? No? That's okay, I'll just keep milling about until I find it."

“Has anyone seen my personal space? No? That’s okay, I’ll just keep milling about until I find it.”

I didn’t have a concrete expectation of what it would be like, but I knew it would be congested. I found out that the presence of crowds was a constant in Chinese life. Note that I stayed mostly near the East Coast; the further one travels west in China, the more rural and open it is. The daily reality of crowds, like the pollution, was an inescapable and unwelcome hassle impinging on every aspect of life.

In my hometown in Iowa, I can walk downtown or walk across town and cross paths only with cars on major streets and- maybe- see a few people also on the sidewalk, here and there, or out in their yards if the weather is nice. Even then, people are only outside to walk their dogs, go running, or do yard work. Almost no one goes out on foot for basic transportation. A select few go by bike instead of car, but this has caught on only with a thin-slice of the population because the majority wouldn’t be caught dead walking into a store with a bike helmet on, not to mention tight black shorts and clunky riding shoes. And, why forsake the car, that ultimate conveyor of convenience?

Of course, the situation in the U.S. is different depending on where you live, but I think the large majority of cities are less like Manhattan and more like my hometown- desolate except for cars.

In China, and I mean the full thrust of this hyperbole, people were everywhere. Imagine the United States’ population was increased fivefold and most everyone lived in a dingy apartment complex, except it was 90% less cars and many thousand times more motor scooters- that is China. The first time I went to the Carrefour department store nearest to my apartment in China, it was a typical Sunday afternoon The aisles were more congested than any stateside Wal-Mart I had ever seen between Thanksgiving and Christmas. The Carrefour only provided small, half-sized shopping carts because it would have been nearly impossible to pivot and turn a large one through the stream of people in every aisle. It became exhausting being in the midst of it, my eyes could never rest from scanning the people walking past me, and I was constantly turning my head and stepping out of the way.

Note that, even though I checked my blind spots and gave way or walked around other shoppers, the courtesy was not returned. If you are standing between a Chinese shopper (or pedestrian) and the thing they want, they will push you. Standing in a supermarket aisle, scanning the shelves for the best produce, a Chinese shopper would butt in front of me or slip in and grab their choice without saying a word to excuse themselves or acknowledge my presence. For anyone offended that wants to argue, “Not all Chinese people do that!” I have to say that pushy people pushing people was the rule and not the exception. They pushed like pigs at a feeding trough whenever there was a line or bottleneck. When I tried eating at the school cafeteria in my university, I had to vent my frustrations in the crush of students vying for the server’s attention by sarcastically asking myself if Titanic were sinking behind us.

Walking the same as they drove, the Chinese would only look at what was immediately, directly in front of them. Anything outside that five-foot cone of vision was ignored, meaning that even if I could have reasonably expected passersby to walk around me as I stood to the side of the main path and gave way, I learned from experience that boorish men would regardless still shoulder into me, and at times a thin, bossy woman might still shove me in the kidneys from behind.

Besides my apartment, there was no personal space and there were almost no private places of solitude. Often, when young Chinese students approached me to ask a question, they would lean against the side of my arm, or they would stand so close to my face that I could smell the bitter tea they had for breakfast. If I went outside for exercise or a leisurely walk by the river, I would be joined by hundreds of others who were also fleeing cramped apartments for exercise.

The Chinese, as a people, were diligent about exercise and took responsibility for their own health (not without necessity; they could not all expect quality medical care), so it was refreshing and somewhat inspiring to see so many exercise groups meeting in public places. Again, just like everywhere else, this meant park spaces got heavy use and one could expect to find crowds there daily. Only during afternoon nap time did public places clear out.

Joining an outdoor kung-fu club for "push hands" practice.

Joining an outdoor kung-fu club for “push hands” practice.

Even when the skies were filled with the dark clouds of the local farmers’ straw burning, I saw people on the running track, on the exercise equipment, and on the basketball courts. I wondered how so many people could tolerate the noxious air outside, but the odds were that even though the outside was filled with people, nine out of ten were probably taking shelter inside.

Conclusion
Truly, nothing would have completely prepared me for immersion in China. I would have to endure it- the bad and the bizarre- every day. And, in a way, that was the intent. To leave the familiar and be confronted with different ways of doing everything. I find it an irresistibly fascinating thought that other nations of people have grown up and built a civilization without any similar foundations in Western thought, belief, customs, language, or practice, and only anciently sharing culture and technology with foreign cultures through trade or conquest. But times have changed. Since opening its doors in the 1970’s and embracing modernization, China has been eager to adapt and (what’s a euphemism for copy and steal?) um, appropriate foreign business practices and technology. Outsiders like me are welcomed.

I went to China somewhat expecting everyone to be wearing gray cotton jackets and chanting Maoist liturgy, so I was a little stunned to see so many “Angry Birds” t-shirts. American culture has spread far and wide, even to China, either by way of capitalist trading or by Chinese larceny. Much of the Middle Kingdom was familiar because I had already seen the original t-shirt or television show in America, and much was familiar because an apartment building can’t vary all that much in essence from place to place.

Still, making a parallel between similar facts of life between China and the United States (e.g. food, crowds, school buildings, driving a car, any of the topics in my writing) is like stepping in front of a fun-house mirror. The reflected image is real, but it is warped.

Now that I’ve discussed the things I expected and my blood is heated after thinking of the aggressive stampedes of people, I would like to turn the focus next onto some real situations in China that I never anticipated.

The Real China: Preparations

When I was a boy, I thought Chinese people were straw hat-wearing duck herders who grew their rat tails long and delivered their punishments swiftly, reed in hand, on any delinquent ducklings caught lollygagging. I also told my parents that I wanted to eat all the rice in China. I did love steamed rice.

All this farmer is missing is a switch and a misbehaving duck with which to whip it with.

All this farmer is missing is a switch and a misbehaving duck with which to whip it with.

My ideas about China changed as I grew, of course, yet with my departure for the Far East mere months away, I had the impression that my imaginings were still somewhat cartoonish and definitely murky. I had made a large commitment in coming to live there for at least a year. What was I really getting into?

My arrival and first day of classes were scheduled for September 1st. At the moment, Lent was beginning and I was headed to New York City. I had enrolled in a four-week intensive course through a satellite school of the University of Cambridge to prepare myself to teach English as a Second Language (ESL). My ESL-experienced friend recommended this as the best preparation for its respected reputation and straightforward teaching lessons. So that was that, my decision was made easy. Only, I would have to travel quite a ways from my Midwestern abode to get to a school.

Making ready for the culture shock of China in the not-a-little shocking confines of New York City, I spent my stay there as a detached observer, touring only a few places over the weekends and mostly studying and preparing lessons for my student-teaching. Coming from a small city in Iowa, sharing a subway train with someone talking to themselves (or to the voices in their head), surrounded by the most colorful mass of humanity on earth, and being routinely given a dead stare or evil eye by all service employees and most passersby made me wonder what was wrong with America’s most famous city. And yet, by the end of my stay, I had learned to enjoy my temporary home. Would I learn to appreciate the weird, the irritating, and the wild in the world’s most populous country, the same as I had in America’s most crowded city?

While at the ESL teacher training course, I met some English teachers with experience and tried to pump them for opinions on their time abroad.

Sitting with two teachers who had lived in China, I asked them about the food and other areas of life there. I received the same response from both: a shell-shocked grimace and a slow shake of the head.

“What does that mean?” I nervously questioned.

They struggled to find words to describe the food, so one just cautioned me that I would probably lose 10 to 15 pounds there.

“It’s that bad, huh?” I commented.

They shook their heads lamentably again. “I would find a place that you like, where you know the menu, and just go there to eat. That’s what I did. Find a restaurant you can trust and stick with it.”

It went unspoken, I think because their grief was ineffable and intricately connected to the many complicated facets of life in China, but I suspected a deep reserve of bad feelings, expressed wordlessly, towards the country neither seemed eager to return to.

In our student-teaching classes, my fellow trainees and I taught lessons to city residents and foreign tourists on an “English holiday” who wanted a free English class. It was kind of like a discount haircut from beauty school students, only we couldn’t make anyone ugly, only bored. One student, an enthusiastic and jovial man named Hui (rhymes with “way,” that is, “h’way”), came from Nanjing, and he had me believing I would get along great with his countrymen back in China.

Hui at a rock garden in his hometown, Nanjing.

Hui at a rock garden in his hometown, Nanjing.

On the first day of class, I observed Hui during another teacher’s lesson and nearly interrupted it with guffaws. Each student had drawn a card with a mystery occupation, and their partner had to ask them questions to determine their identity (example: Construction Worker. “Do you work in an office?” “No.” “Do you work outside?” “Yes.” “Are you a construction worker?” “Yes.”) Hui was partnered with a young Japanese woman who looked terrified to be standing up and facing her classmate instead of listening to a teacher talk.

Hui was eagerly rattling off questions and getting shot down by her negative responses, but having the time of his life nonetheless. Her card read “Ballet Dancer,” probably the trickiest of all the occupations in the exercise, and Hui ended his series of questions to her by asking, “Do you make seengs weess your hands?” He was told curtly, yet softly, again, “No.”

Then Hui exclaimed with his whole voice and body, “Oh! How secret you are! Teacher, she is being so secretive!” And you have to envision, while Hui was making big, happy gestures- playfully pointing his finger at his secretive partner- his Japanese counterpart stood there unflinchingly, as stiff as a corpse.

Happy Hui

Happy Hui

I smiled and shook with silent laughter, trying not to disturb the class. Hui had won my heart. A week later, I was able to interview him for a class assignment, and later still, he and I went out to lunch together. We talked about his time in America and his family, and I was able to ask him how he thought I would fare in his homeland.

Hui told me I would have many “advantages” over Chinese citizens. For one, I would be treated with a lot of leniency as a foreign guest, forgiven social missteps because of my ignorance. Also, I might be able to find work at a big company because they needed Americans to handle international business.

I asked him about the girls in China, because I thought I would have a disadvantage in a lopsided population without enough marriageable females to go around.

“Oh no!” Hui corrected me, “I think the Chinese girls will like you very much! He, he, he!” He tended to end his sentences with laughter, and one of my fellow teacher trainees nicknamed him “Happy Hui” because of it. Happy Hui predicted that Chinese girls would like a tall, fair-skinned foreigner with blue eyes, and even though I never took “advantage” of this, it turned out I was as fortunately conspicuous as he thought.

Hui also said that I would be able to get away with things in China because of my advantages. If, for example, my actions would get a Chinese citizen arrested, I would probably only be cautioned. A penalty of imprisonment or worse would likewise be downgraded to deportation. Later on in China, I had the sense that Hui was correct, but I never felt the need to test my boundaries.

Back in Iowa, in that interim before my late-August flight to Beijing, I did more online research, scouring ESL forums and websites related to life in China, and had more conversations with friends and family about my journey.

One friend, whose family emigrated from Hong Kong when he was a small child, confirmed one of Hui’s points, using a different style of speaking. “The internet is restricted there,” he told me about a familiar fact, “so you can’t use Facebook or YouTube or anything like that. In China, there’s no freedom of speech, but they don’t care if you start a fire in the street. It’s a really different place.” Once in China, I found out he, too, was right. The people started fires in the streets (not that big, just curbside fires of paper mostly) and did whatever they pleased.

What else could I expect in China? After culling through countless internet sites, I noticed that commentators said several things in common.

China-ready with my own straw hat.

China-ready with my own straw hat.

Spitting
Nearly every complaint on China mentioned indiscreet public spitting. In my later travels throughout the Middle Kingdom, I observed this to be very true. I did not see groups of people spitting simultaneously, but I witnessed individuals spitting wherever they felt like (in a classroom, in a hotel lobby, inside a restaurant, anywhere outside, and every place they felt like except inside someone’s home- in that case they would use a waste basket), spitting about as often as one hears sneezes in public. And the worst part was they didn’t just lower their head to spit and let saliva fall with a gentle “ptooh” sound, they fully hawked their throats and launched it- an ugly little stain that would splat against the ground. Even worse, they did it shamelessly, replacing their cigarette in their lips in an unconscious habit, returning to the conversation without missing a beat, or, in the case of the classroom, getting right back to their notes.

I read that the Chinese believe swallowing the phlegm was unhealthy as it was supposed to collect impurities in the environment and in the body. I would also come to find out that Chinese home cures and medical advice were largely based on a generations’ old collection of old wives’ tales (e.g. the common cure-all was to drink a glass of hot water). Several times throughout the year I was forbidden by my aunt or some minder from eating certain foods based on the season (e.g. no peanuts in hot weather, they didn’t say why).

Pollution
Anyone with even a passing interest in China has doubtlessly read about the unbearable levels of pollution in Chinese cities. The people wear surgical masks in China, sometimes when they are ill or afraid of catching an illness, but often to filter the incredibly filthy air.

When Aunt Fong was walking with me once in Iowa, I asked her why she liked my hometown so much, and she told me because of its blue sky. I was taken aback. Wasn’t the sky blue everywhere? Not in China, where cloud and atmosphere are indistinguishable, and the sun appears as a dim flashlight shining through dirty dishwater.

In the summertime, being in China felt like living in a greenhouse with smog walls. The sunlight wasn’t beating on your back, but the bright heat covered you like a moist blanket. Throughout the year, the sky was a lurid wash of grays, yellows, and browns, and I quickly longed for clear, open skies. The pollution was an oppressive pall that darkened every day. It had a continuous, crushing effect on my morale.

The worst the pollution ever got was in late April-early May, when the local farmers had gathered in the wheat harvest. Once the fields were gleaned of their grain, the farmers would set fire to the remaining straw. Multiply the effect of one small field by the thousands of farms in the area, add that to the significant mechanical pollution already saturating the air, and the net effect was the smell of burning, an acrid, stinging sensation in the nostrils and eyes, and all that you might expect if you held your face above a campfire.

That intense forest fire-like period lasted for about a week and a half. It was comparatively clear after that, which doesn’t say much. Simply breathing was a health hazard in China.

Loud Talking
The Chinese have a reputation for speaking loudly and directly. I read from several people online who said that people would address a stranger at full volume and the two parties would immediately get into a near-shouting match. When I witnessed this with my own eyes, an English-speaking Chinese friend on a couple different occasions tried to explain it away by saying that foreigners often think that Chinese are arguing when they are really only having a simple discussion of common exchange. “They are only talking!” my interpreter tried to laugh it off. I was left unconvinced.

From what I had read while in America, I expected the people in China to be noisy most of the time. In reality, they spoke in a normal tone with friends or in private (around a dinner table with a big group they would start to get uproarious, which is not really remarkable). The loud voices emerged whenever people called for strangers or talked in public places. Then, commands issued like impatient line cooks shouting over the clamor of a busy kitchen.

Continued in Predictions

Aunt Fong and Caili Ma – Part 2: Not My Real Aunt, My Chinese Aunt

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Sunday morning’s routine again, with everyone in the church repeating their rituals, except this time I could not have been the only one whose vision kept returning to Ann’s pew as I silently wondered who the other Chinese woman was sitting next to Caili. Since she looked about the same age, I puzzled over what her background might be. As far as I knew, any of the young Chinese international students involved with a church group went to the campus Wesley Foundation, and the small collection of Chinese families who lived in town and gathered for Chinese language church met in another Wesleyan church a mile away. Our church was neither Wesleyan nor international, and we had taken no official steps to attract any Chinese people, yet somehow two middle-aged Chinese women were now part of our otherwise constant assembly.

After the formal worship, over coffee and cookies, I was joined at my folding table by Caili and her friend. Unlike with Caili, I was not very receptive to my first meeting with this stranger, having sunk into a very low mood over my fast approaching job’s end, which added heavily to what I saw as my life’s accumulated woe. So, I only lethargically responded to Caili’s back-and-forth Chinese questions as a favor to my good friend. Caili’s new friend, on the other hand, was delighted by our demonstration of my babyish Chinese skills and giggled with my every pronunciation.

While she relished watching me, one of the American natives, try to speak her language for once, Caili’s friend wasn’t much for conversation in return. Everyone who met her that morning, it seemed, could almost instantly pick up that she only replied to questions by happily nodding and saying, “Yes,” or earnestly attempting a semblance of an answer that was nevertheless incomplete, unintelligible, or at best a tin eared stock response. Depending on the question and the clarity of the speaker, she would either let the words pass over her head or try to come back with a rehearsed phrase I assumed she had picked up from a Chinese English conversation book.

Caili, whose English people correctly described as “broken,” had worked very hard on her studies, and it showed to me that, even if her English seemed “broken,” she had climbed remarkably far up the language ladder. Her friend was a true novice whose dabbling with English allowed her to passively listen with barely discernible comprehension and repeat a few words she had committed to memory, yet she very much wanted to talk with me.

The answers came slowly and I wasn’t sure of them, but for starters I learned that she had visiting professor status at the university, like Caili, which meant she was free to study unattached to any coursework or degree program, and her name was Fang Zhu.

“Fang” was not pronounced like a dog’s tooth, but more like “Fong,” so from here on out I’ll write it “Fong.” And “Zhu” was like a cross between “chew” and “zoo,” or just simply it could be rendered “joo” (the pronunciation was pretty fuzzy to me for awhile, and even now I am never completely confident I am saying it clearly, or that it is even possible to say it clearly), but “joo” doesn’t look very Chinese to me, so I’ll keep it at “Zhu.” “Fong Zhu.”

Fong Zhu seemed briefly elated by our meeting, but I thought that would be the end of it. In fact, I was so jaded that dreary morning that I thought very little of it. Fong Zhu didn’t show up the next week or for the next several weeks, and during that time Caili left for California and I lost my job. Fong Zhu didn’t come back until (I would be told by her much later) Ann sent her an e-mail, asking her where she had been and telling her she missed seeing her. Somehow, I assume through an online copy-and-paste translation tool, Fong Zhu understood enough of the message that she was touched by it and returned to church the next Sunday.

With Aunt Fong

With Aunt Fong

After the service, she came right up to me, chatting away in words I sifted through with much mental computation. One sentiment of hers stood out to me: she wanted to invite me over for a Chinese lunch. Now, I still knew very little about this woman, I was unsure of who she was and why she was so interested in me, so I tried to softly decline the offer. Then, I realized she wouldn’t really understand what I said, so I just mumbled something non-committal and let the strained conversation break off like a strand of cobweb as I searched for something else in the room I could focus my attention on.

So, besides my regular trips to the gym, I mostly stayed home that week. Fong Zhu’s dinner date wasn’t even a thought on my mind. But come the next Sunday, Fong Zhu was back in Ann’s pew, and as soon as people had filed through the pastor’s handshake line, she found me and approached me with a wounded look in her eyes.

“Why?” she asked me tenderly, why didn’t I come over to her home? I was stuck for an answer, taken aback that she was not only seriously expecting me, a relative stranger, to come to her home alone, but that she was also insistent on inviting me again. Seeing how much it meant to her by the plaintive tone in her voice and the look in her eyes, I took note of her address and made a firm yet doubtful promise to join her for lunch that Tuesday. Being unemployed, I could not honestly have said that my schedule was full.

Tentatively, I drove over to her university apartment and rang the doorbell. Fong Zhu had a Russian roommate named Olga, who was gone at the time, so after she cheerily greeted me with a “Ni hao!” and invited me inside, all I saw in the unlit interior were newspaper and magazine ads sprawled across the kitchen table and hard floors, a couple lamps on end tables, a world map pinned to the wall with American travel pictures posted around it, and a couple pots boiling mystery items on the stove. For lunch, we had a mound of pork dumplings that far exceeded what we could possibly eat, and Fong Zhu introduced me to boiled chicken feet. The first try left a bad impression- all sinewy and you had to chomp the little toe bones in your mouth to grind off the meat- but I’ve since grown to like them depending on the seasoning.

At a (birthday) dinner with Aunt Fong.

At a (birthday) dinner with Aunt Fong.

At another lunch at her place, she served me ham hocks (basically, all the meat and fat around a pig’s knee joint) which I honestly found to be exquisite. I asked her where she found all this exotic food, and she told me simply, “Wo-er Ma.”

“Walmart? You found all this stuff at Walmart?”

I checked up on this and found out it was indeed true. It was just unusual to find them on my local Walmart’s shelves because the small number of feet and hocks were snatched up, usually, by Chinese families or other outre diners.

Anyway, Fong Zhu and I chatted away despite our mutual incomprehension, she peppering me with questions and I doing my best to give the simplest answers in the clearest English possible. I would struggle to get her to answer my own questions, but would more often than not become frustrated by her clumsy English and loose, wandering thought patterns. Still, when the sputtering dialogue came to one of its frequent impasses, I felt comfortable enough to sit quietly with my new companion and bide my time. I couldn’t tell why, but she was motherly attentive to me, and I felt fascinated to be speaking at length with someone so completely foreign. Plus, I had no pressing job responsibilities or social obligations, and I was so unsure of how to proceed in our meeting- petrified of trying to break things off and make my exit- so I had all the patience in the world.

That would come in handy, as Fong Zhu and I started meeting about twice a week for intermittent conversation fragments, her cheery and zany speeches that would turn into singing and dancing, and our bumbling efforts at language study. For that last part, we would review Chinese vocabulary lists and Fong’s sheets of simple English sentences with their Chinese translations. I think she was just printing free materials she found online, and we would just jump around the word sheets, but we would spend a whole afternoon doing it, so it gave me the hope that I had the discipline and opportunity to actually learn Chinese- reputed to be one of the hardest languages in the world for English speakers to acquire.

I never complained about the time spent or the indeterminate way we studied. I was just so thirsty to learn a foreign language and enamored with the fact that a new strange person had come into my life and offered me so much attention. The day she told me it was impolite for me, a younger person, to call her by her given name or her family name unadorned, it felt only natural to use the Chinese term she taught me for “aunt.” And when Aunt Fong started proposing to me, “You… come to China?” I felt enough trust in our friendship that I began to put my confidence in coming to China as the opportunity I had been looking for.

Of course, I had my doubts that caused me to hesitate, but I had been set for so long on coming to Asia that I could not turn away from a real and tangible offer that had the benefit of a friend’s guidance. It did not matter so much to me that I had never heard of the university where Fong Zhu’s professor husband was able to get me a job, and it didn’t matter so much that every other detail was foggy either. I had been trapped in a pit of loneliness and unemployment, or wrong employment, for so long that I was ready to rocket out of it, and I felt certain that my hopes would be met. It was almost too perfect that this woman, my new aunt, came into my life right at the time the sagging trough I had bottomed out in broke open and dropped me into a void of thought I could only have dreamed my way out of.

After Aunt Fong left Iowa on a snowy December day, I spent plenty more unemployed time thinking over her offer and hashing it over with her through e-mail. As unknown and exotic as this adventure was, it began to seem more and more real to me, the obvious and only choice to make. And, for years, I had been starving for someone to pay me close attention, mentor me, and give me their full friendship. Aunt Fong was too flighty to be a mentor, and not really the kind of person I would look to for that, but she and I already had bonded inexplicably like relatives, and I trusted her to be my guide in the supremely populous People’s Republic of China.

China had to be the hopeful thing I knew it would be.

The next months passed as a period of waiting and preparation before the beginning of the fall semester in China. I felt ready because of what I had known all along- it was time to leave.

Aunt Fong and Caili Ma – Part 1: From Iowa to Chinatown

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Suddenly, there was a Chinese woman in my church. In the midst of a sea of German surnames, half-strangers repeating their Sunday routines of sleepy sermons, handshakes with ho-hum greetings, coffee and juice and cookies and bars over featureless pleasant talk of football games and school holidays and college majors and soup suppers, and me having the same words on the Ten Commandments and free grace being shuffled through the same worn paths in my mind while my heart ached like young Joseph in Egypt as a slave, seemingly denied his grand dreams, or Moses in Egypt as a young man yearning to flee the glut of sensual opulence for a humble place out past the wilderness with the children of God- there, in the midst of this rut we were all ready to customarily cycle through again, sitting in a pew beside the 90-year old former school teacher whose slowed speech and movement belied her keen wit, sat a middle-aged Chinese woman, whom I vaguely dreamed of but never expected to find, in my church.

Of course, that first week, I was too meek and shy to approach her, and I could think of no excuse to broach a conversation besides my teeming curiosity. But all the traditional church routines repeat themselves without variance- week after week, no questions brooked- and this Chinese woman seemed to be getting along quite well with the oldest member of our church. Strangely, it seemed as if she would be returning next week and becoming part of the pattern. And maybe, just maybe, I thought within my timid soul, I would meet her, and I would have my stepping stone, or my bridge, to something new.

Me with Caili

Me with Caili

A year before, I had made a desperate attempt to escape my inertia. I could find no social or business chain to link me to my dreams, but a thought had been growing in me since college that my way out to a new world, where I would have the chance to work and pursue the life I believed in, where I would have the chance to be someone, where I could experience the far-off lands I was secretly infatuated with, was through teaching English overseas.

While this daydream grew and I nurtured it by scouring websites and forums online, I stumbled in that I had no outside experience to justify taking the giant leap from my local part-time job at a failing small business to a teaching position at a school in the Eastern Hemisphere.

At first, I thought I could only justify such a venture by going to graduate school. I had studied English in college, which was a good fit for teaching English as a second language (ESL), but I avoided any teaching classes at the time, thinking that becoming an average public school teacher meant becoming an average person. It would mean a trade-off from aspiring to advance my own work and beliefs in whatever adventurous frontier I might find myself, towards subordinating myself to the soft ultimatums of my conforming, contemporary society. Teaching in America would mean a respectable job, yes, and insurance and health benefits, job security and a strong résumé, the chance to be an upstanding member of the community and form a social network and start a family and buy a house and get fat and have vacations and plan a retirement and live a middle-class life with conventional middle-class opinions and aspirations and all that. But at what cost? Live a predictable life because I knew it would be safe and insulated from risk or challenge or isolation or failure? And let my greater beliefs quietly cool and die? Live and die the easy way? No, that was not what life was meant for.

Except, now that I had reached the conclusion that overseas English jobs were my best gateway to opportunity, the value of teaching training had become so much more sensible. I began to have regrets and considered that the only way to rectify the situation and prepare myself for a life abroad would be a master’s degree.

I went so far as to complete an application at my local university and alma mater when a chance meeting with an old acquaintance changed my course. He advised me from personal experience that grad school for teaching English to speakers of other languages (TESOL) was, like all master’s degree programs, time-consuming and very expensive, and considering all the overseas schools that were hiring American teachers with any and all undergraduate degrees, largely unnecessary.

“Don’t be like me,” he said playfully, “because then you’ll have a lot of student loan and credit card debt, and you’ll feel stressed, and you won’t be happy.”

To be happy, he suggested, take a 4-week intensive ESL teaching course instead, one that is nuts and bolts in scope, and comes from an internationally well-respected school. Or, just apply directly to the English program for public schools in South Korea.

Since Korea had already been on my mind and my friendly adviser assured me about it from his own experience, I thought why not? What is there holding me back now?

I let my acceptance letter to grad school sit unanswered, and right thereafter I began filling out forms online, working through the months long, fastidious process of gathering documents like letters of recommendation, a federal background check, and a notary-stamped diploma.

I wavered along the way, still without any teaching training or classroom experience yet to prepare me for the looming test of being stood in front of a group of Korean students and occupying their attention for forty minutes in a foreign language. And each week, and each drawn-out task of document collecting, seemed to chip away at my initial enthusiasm. I had a struggle to raise my confidence to explain this foreign quest I was up to whenever anyone asked about my work plans and why I was biding my time at a hole-in-the-wall retail shop. This adventure seemed to be receding further away into fantasyland, more and more remote in possibility.

It certainly lost urgency for my then manager, who took weeks of diffident prodding to finally sit down and write me a recommendation letter. In fact, he took so long that I missed out on entering Korea’s national program- the number of applicants was already full.

As consolation, I was informed that I could switch my application to a similar program for the province outside Seoul.

At this point, I was faced with another unexpected choice. Immediately after I heard that I had missed the initial intake, a friend from my gym started talking to me about a job referral at the the company where he worked. By this time, my doubts were beginning to eclipse my eagerness to teach overseas. My original prayer was that God would pull me out of the forgotten pit I was in, set me up with respectable work and a clear mission in life, and make a real man out of me. So, when I went to go have a look at my friend’s local company and saw fast-talking adults dressed in business wear, shuttling around the smart expanses of a new building, busying themselves on their computers, and calling owners and managers across the country with seemingly urgent business, I felt the pull. The chance to be a respectable adult looked so immediately before me. And when the hiring manager told me a good first year would mean $50,000, I reasoned that not only would the experience give me the chance to prove myself, the money I made would allow me to travel Asia however I wanted- self-sufficient.

I turned the pending job offer in Korea down.

It would prove a mistake I had to live with.

The next nine months I spent tenuously hanging onto a hated job that my friend summed up as “glorified telemarketing.” The dirty business was all about breaking through the defensive lines of secretaries and middle men, then pressuring the checkbook holder at whichever car dealership was being called to sign up for a junk mail campaign designed by our company. I look on the whole enterprise now with complete revulsion, and also I react with disbelief that I could have been so naive and weak to think my continued employment there meant I had a no-quit attitude like a real man should, when I see clearly in hindsight that since making pushy cold calls was so loudly against my conscience it would only have been in keeping with my integrity to have walked into my manager’s cubicle as early as I sensed so and quit on the spot.

And while I state this with indignation, to my shame I followed my managers’ and co-workers’ aggressive advice as best as my unsure, awkward self could. I harried many weary secretaries, and in the off-chance I didn’t end up in voicemail, I made modest and embarrassed pushes to follow my boss’s instructions to harass the dealership managers into buying until they either did so or I “made them hang up on me.”

Midway through my futile struggle to maintain employment is when I was introduced to Ma Caili, or following Western conventions of family name last, Caili Ma. Sure enough, as I had predicted, she was back in the church pew the next week with her elderly friend, Ann. And my hope to meet her did not go unfulfilled. Caili Ma was spirited enough in her pursuit of learning English and meeting Americans that she had already met with the church pastor for language exchange and Bible study. He told me all about it when he suggested to me that, given my background as an English major and interest in teaching overseas, I might be the best person to meet with Caili.

So, I happily did, albeit nervously and without a clear idea of how I should proceed.

Our first Sunday afternoon meeting, I struck out after attempting to have Caili read a Dr. Seuss book aloud while I critiqued her pronunciation. She must have been less than impressed with my lesson (I feel embarrassed looking back on it) since from then on she initiated teaching Chinese lessons to me. This arrangement worked itself out naturally for the rest of the Sunday afternoons that summer. I was very curious to begin a language study of Chinese, and come to find out, Caili had been a Chinese language teacher over the past six years when she had been living in South Korea, so she already had a methodology worked out to teach me. She thought I was a clever student, I felt very lucky to have her tutor me, and so we progressed through the basics of Chinese until I could have back-and-forth conversations with her by speaking the simplest of phrases like “Who is he?” and “He is a man.”

Meanwhile, I helped Caili out with favors like rides to the supermarket, taking her around used-car shopping, and eventually, giving her driving lessons. In all her years living in China and South Korea, Caili had either relied on public transportation or her rich Korean boyfriend’s chauffeur. Living in America, without owning a car, meant Caili was dependent on others for not just simple errands around town, but also in determining what work she could do and where she could live.

Caili had told me that she wanted to live permanently in the United States. She assured me it was a better country to live in than China by far, it would give her the grounds to sponsor her teenage daughter and bring her to America for college, and now that Caili was a baptized Christian, she would no longer be welcome to resume her professorship back in China among the officially Communist faculty.

But life in Iowa didn’t have enough to offer to keep Caili in place. Sure, she had her close friends like Ann and me that she would have to make her tearful goodbyes to, but her student visa at the local university was about to expire, and she needed to find work and a home of her own.The obvious choice to Caili was to join up with one of her friends in Los Angeles and find work among the network of people she was bound to meet in Chinatown.

And although her friends in town rightly told her she was crazy for the idea, Caili was determined to drive herself in her new (used) car all the way out to the West Coast. So, I mapped out the tamest route of six-hour driving days I could find for her, booked six nights of hotel stays along the way, and just like that, after only a couple months of driving experience and a couple seasons of brief but bright friendship, Caili was off to California.

Our quiet college town couldn’t keep her in place, and I couldn’t say it had much attraction left for me either. My time at my sales job was clearly coming to a close- I was at the point where it was obvious not only to myself in the dejected way I dialed the receptionists I knew would mechanically send me off to a voice mailbox without any confrontation, but also to my formerly friendly manager who had lost sympathy for me as the not even lukewarm leads I used to bring him dried up. I was making neither progress nor money for a company whose lifeblood, vision, and creed were all money and its making.

The only things keeping me in my place were my inability to muster the courage to outright quit and my lack of another job to transition to, so I can’t say it came as a surprise when my manager called me in for a late Friday afternoon meeting, accompanied by the Human Resources lady.

After drying my tears in the bathroom, I went out to the empty sales floor to shamefully clear off my desk as upbeat pop music softly echoed from the speaker system, then drove home with the familiar gray horizon of unemployment before me.

In my doldrums again, I had no thought for another job or career track- nothing I could realistically approach- and I suppose I would have been left to my own listless devices if it had not been for another unlikely meeting just a few weeks prior.

A gray horizon and a mysteriously winding path.

A gray horizon and a mysteriously winding path.

Mantis vs.Chinese Holidays

On November 11th, my students burst forth upon me with a quiz. “Do you know! What day is today?” Some were giggling with anticipation.

So I played along. “No, what is today?”

“It’s Singles’ Day!” they exclaimed over guffaws.

“Oh,” I said, not nearly as amused, “what is Singles’ Day?”

“Wahn, wahn, wah, wahn,” they said, gesturing with their pointer finger to emphasize the digits in the date 11/11.

I could do the simple logic, without their explanation, to determine that the calendar date was indeed made all up of one’s, and that one symbolized a single person, yet I was left to question why they were so very gleeful about the eleventh of the eleventh.

“So, what do you do?”

Confused silence. Smiles.

“What do you do on Singles’ Day?” I demanded. I could not have spoken more plainly.

They were still holding their smiles, mouths beginning to twitch. But no answer.

“What… is… Singles’ Day?” I spoke as if trying to be heard over crackling radio static.

“It’s wahn, wahn, wahn, wan!”

I was about to lose face in front of the whole class. If it had been the first time I had played this game in China- repeating the simplest of questions to non-answers- I would have just thought it odd and dismissed it with a laugh. But I had gone through this routine in every classroom so far in the semester, and the novelty had long worn off.

“I KNOW.” Huffing the stress out of my nostrils, then, “But what do you DO on Singles’ Day? I am single. What do I DO?”

I had them trapped in a corner of logic. This wasn’t memorizing formulas, so my Chinese students had no way out. Still smiling, one of the students, bold enough to be one of the regular (i.e. only) speakers for the rest of the mostly dormant class, held up his pointer finger again and said, “One is for singles.”

“All right,” I began, sighing and looking downward to compose myself, just managing not to crush the chalk in my hand, “Do you know what happened November 11th, 1918?”

Absolutely no guesses.

“Today is a real holiday in the west. In 1918, World War I ended, so in America, today is a holiday called Veterans Day.” I wrote “veteran” and its simple definition on the board.

This pattern repeated itself in my other classes that day: students barely containing their excitement over Singles’ Day and asking me if I could guess their surprise (I suppose that since it was 2011, it was the only day in our lifetimes we would see 11/11/11). It was a pointless exercise, but to be fair, Singles’ Day wasn’t a national holiday or significant cultural celebration, just some obviously clever (and hence, not actually clever) day for some of my Chinese students to have fun with, like when Americans say “Hump Day” for Wednesday and spend more time discussing Daylight Saving Time than is saved.

But what of the national holidays and cultural festivals in China? Roundly terrible. They fall into non-events, nonsensical mythologies and convoluted historical tales, or proud displays of communist victories.

Take National Day: October 1st, the patriotic celebration of the founding of the People’s Republic of China on this date in 1949. Schools and many employers give the week off for the days surrounding National Day, so after the holiday I asked my classes how they spent their time.

“Watch TV.”
“Sleep.”
“Play computah games.”

“Oh,” I said, underwhelmed by their honesty, “Did you travel?” No response. “What about National Day? Did you do anything on National Day?”

Another moment of silence, then a student brave enough to answer for everyone else forced out: “Watch TV.”

On the 4th of July, Americans at least take part in the celebration of our nation’s independence. Friends and families gather, enjoy time outside, eat summer food together, and attend fireworks displays, not watch them on TV. Why wasn’t anyone in China, land of firecrackers that rattled me as I looked through my refrigerator most mornings, telling me about some outdoor festival or gathering with food, parades, and fireworks?

One young man, after I mentioned America’s Independence Day, told me (in reference to National Day) that China had a day of independence, too. “Oh?” I asked slyly, “You celebrate independence from whom?” I had to repeat myself a couple times, but I don’t think he ever caught my meaning.

The big letdown of the National Day holiday week was receiving a text message from my escort teacher on Saturday: “SO, ARE YOU READY FOR CLASS TOMORROW?”

I replied, “You mean Monday, right?”

“NO, WE HAVE CLASS ON SUNDAY. FRIDAY MORNING CLASSES ARE TOMORROW. AM I CLEAR?”

I think I could have complained that Sunday classes weren’t on my contract, but I wasn’t going to protest and cause friction. I swallowed my personal feelings and told myself to do it for the students. I would end up having to repeat this mantra to motivate myself on several other occasions throughout the year.

I wanted to point out to whomever was in charge that a day off on Friday is not a holiday if everyone has to work on Sunday; it’s just a tease of a weekend followed by a 6-day work week. I knew my argument wouldn’t have made a difference, though. I vented my frustrations and poked holes through the logic of the “holi-shift” (since it wasn’t a free day, just a shift in schedule) to an audience of my escort teacher, Ms. Ding (she came with a car to my apartment and took me to class in the morning), and like an immovable wall of Chinese school status quo she said, “But the students have many tests. They must have class on the weekend so they can take their tests.”

Ding

Ms. Ding and me outside of our middle school.

Not only that one Sunday, the students would have tests occasionally on Saturdays and other Sundays. Christmas Sunday my university students had tests all morning. Not that their godless state recognizes any holy days, but the people still celebrated Christmas in their own borrowed, bastardized way.

So schoolwork takes precedence over days of rest in China (they ought to learn from America that only commerce takes precedence over days of rest), and the state promotes hollow commemorations of Communist party history, but besides these, the Chinese people observe a mishmash of historical and mythological celebrations.

There’s the Mid-Autumn Festival, held on the full moon in late September or early October, which celebrates a story about the Moon’s sister (yes, you read right), who lives on the moon, and her husband who offers her sacrifices once a year. Moon worship during the holiday was built upon this story. Now, when the Santa mythology is layered over Christmas, it is certainly far-fetched, but there is usually some fantasy logic behind the magical yarns. Santa uses helpers to deliver all the toys, he has the elves to help make presents, moms and dads help Santa, too, and so forth. I tried to read through the story of the Moon’s sister and gauge the people’s reaction to it to see if it was just a tongue-in-cheek occasion for fun, that the story wasn’t so important but just a lingering, fossilized pretext for a holiday. Well, I can say that moon worship still takes place (I didn’t see it in person but discussed it with Chinese friends). Why worship according to an irrational idea? The power of cultural tradition, I suppose.

The big plus of the Mid-Autumn Festival was getting a holiday, a real day off work not made up for later on a Saturday or Sunday. But what happens during the Mid-Autumn Festival? Front and center, in my observation, were “standing outside and looking at the moon” at its brightest, as my friends advertised to me, and giving and eating moon cakes- a dense, disc-shaped pastry with a decorative top and a fruit or nut filling.

The Mantis is a pretty big fan of most kinds of moon cakes.

The Mantis is a pretty big fan of most kinds of moon cakes.

Stores stocked moon cakes leading up to the holiday so people could gift them to their friends, but I would have been glad to buy them year round. After September, I never did see them again, unfortunately. Moon cakes are a pastry, so it’s not like their availability depended on ingredients being in season. I suppose their popularity is not unlike the spike in sales of whole turkeys in November. Americans could eat roast turkey probably any time, but they don’t.

The other minor, food-related holiday is the Dragon Boat Festival, held in the spring and celebrated, if that is the word for it, by eating sticky rice triangles wrapped in bamboo leaves. The rice would usually have a piece of meat or fruit in the middle. Not bad, but not holiday-worthy.

I asked some of my Chinese friends and acquaintances about the significance of the Dragon Boat Festival, and all I got were uncomfortable grimaces and explanations that the history behind the day wasn’t pleasant. My Christian friends said the day had a bad meaning, so they chose not to honor it, but still encouraged me to have some sticky rice triangles. I had to look up the meaning myself and found out it commemorated a minister and poet, Qu Yuan (pronounced- oh, who am I kidding? make up your own pronunciation), who drowned himself in a river as a political protest or sacrifice. The traditional story follows that the locals dropped sticky rice into the river so that fish would not eat his body. Cheers to that! I suppose.

Every time an acquaintance inquired if I knew about the Dragon Boat Festival, I replied with my own question, “No. Do you have dragon boats in the river?” They reacted like an American might if a foreigner asked him on March 17th, “So, where are St. Patrick and his snakes?” Of course they didn’t have dragon boats in the river, I could tell by the awkward silence on their faces, why would they?

I'm using a stock photo found online because, as I said, you can't actually find one of these to take a picture of in the real China.

I’m using a stock photo found online because, as I said, you can’t actually find one of these to take a picture of in the real China.

I was left to conclude that it was another silly, minor holiday barely worth mentioning, yet nonetheless inspiring gleeful responses from the natives. The sticky rice triangles they kept asking me about- I had already eaten four or five the week prior. What was so special about them? A fine snack, but giving these out constituted a holiday? Imagine May Day without kids having the fun of distributing cups of candy by ringing doorbells and running way; instead the day was about eating bagels for lunch and asking friends if they’d had their May Day bagel yet.

Of course, the holiday of holidays in China is the Spring Festival (held in either January or February, go figure) usually referred to as the Chinese New Year in America. Being a holiday of holidays, it is basically an amplification of Chinese merry-making. Impossible amounts of dumplings and popular homemade foods are prepared and consumed. Dinner plates are piled in layers and tabletops are obscured for days. Nearly everyone gets work off for the week or weeks-long celebration (depends on the area), so train travel and public transportation are even more of a dystopian nightmare than usual, and once the workers and students get home, the tops of liquor bottles are smashed en masse and swallowed down along with the lavish, largesse-proving spread of foods.

Like other Chinese holidays, families like to hang around their homes for feasting, TV watching, and likely games of cards and mah jong (no, it’s not played like the mah jong computer program; more like rummy). Children are especially excited to receive a red envelope of lucky money, equivalent to a Christmas gift, but in the form of cash. And, unless living in a large enough city that performances would be organized, the colorful festivities like dragon and lion dances would have to be watched on TV, as per usual. Each day of the Spring Festival has its own superstitious meanings and rituals, which I won’t detail here, partially because that trivia can be found in dry lists elsewhere and mostly because I have little interest in perpetuating their charming nonsense. For example, the fifth day of the Spring Festival is supposed to be the god of wealth, Guan Yu’s, birthday, so people light firecrackers to get his attention.

Not that the Chinese need an excuse to light off firecrackers. Some areas have issued bans on fireworks for reason of noise and air pollution, but regardless, in a lesser policed city, it is expected that fireworks will last throughout the night to herald the turning of the lunar calendar, and nary a sublunary creature can expect to get any sleep. The celebrants don’t light one pack of skinny red tubes, but grand, street-stretching rolls of finger-sized explosives. Plus, the sound will be reverberating off of the surrounding concrete high-rises built all around.

I wasn’t even in town for all of this fanfare. I had to hear about it from everyone, nearly all of whom hyped it as the greatest party in China and the greatest part about living in China. And, whenever the conversation seemed to imply that things in my neck of the Chinese woods were dull, the Spring Festival was always brought out as an apology- the feast I just had to take part in and see. The ultimate party that I had missed, which was thenceforth sealed in the vaults of nostalgia and spoken of as a legendary euphoric experience. But, unlike pathetic adults who are trapped telling tales about “last year” or their high school glory days, Chinese New Year repeats itself every year, so everyone knows well enough to buy their train or bus tickets plenty early to make the mad-as-salmon rush back home.

That, the Spring Festival, is arguably the one feast day worth feasting about in China, and yet, I would argue that the things inspiring the celebration- the change of the lunar calendar, the superstitions alleged to garner luck for the upcoming year, the deference to all kinds of dubious gods of wealth and whatnot with jolly offerings and rituals- are preposterous pretext. Visiting family, especially when far apart and visits home are costly and rare, seems very worthwhile, but the impetus- a new calendar year- what is essentially so important about that?

At least there is something more to do that day than remark that it is in fact a holiday when business is heedlessly proceeding all around like a typical work day. I suppose it is my American upbringing that makes me expect some kind of ritual or public action to make a holiday official, even for the stupid holidays with convoluted historical and mythological meanings, like St. Patrick’s Day and the practice of wearing green, boasting how proud you are of your far-removed Irish heritage, and riding an excuse for public binge drinking. Yes, in America, we don’t make a big show by asking people if they’ve had something to eat for Flag Day. We take a quasi-holiday like Halloween, shape a fun costume-and-candy children’s tradition around it, and then take part in it ourselves, planning our costumes months in advance so that we are the cleverest movie character in the office on Halloween Day or the sexiest vampire at the after-hours party.

And when it comes to arbitrary dates, we don’t settle for a giggle over Singles’ Day on 11/11. No, we take the entire month, call it “No Shave November” and grow ourselves a beard. Never mind the absurdity, we are a people of action and alliteration (“Taco Tuesday” anyone?).

So, lest anyone accuse me of ignoring the plank in my own eye while pointing out the speck in China’s, let me end by stating my disdain for the nonsense that takes place stateside, where radio DJ’s and overly cheery colleagues squeal for attention by asking everyone in earshot if they knew it was “Talk Like a Pirate Day.”

“So what do you do for that?” I might ask.

Giggles. “You say, ‘Aarrh! Matey!’”
“Arr!”
“Aarrg!”

“Anything else? What’s the point?”

“You get to say, ‘Aarrh!’ and ‘Walk the plank!’” Raucous laughter.

“Oh. Some holiday.”

“Let it Go” Parody

I’m a little late in posting for the day. Anyway, I had to put in some serious thought to come up with silly lyrics to replace the real words to “Let it Go.”
Once, not long ago, a friend chided me for writing parody lyrics to a song that had passed its peak of popularity and become overplayed and even passé. Well, I suppose I could tie the theme of my lyrics (spring cleaning) to the current month of May. But I think funny is funny anytime. And I don’t take comedy advice from all comers. It is the Mantis’ wit vs. your demeanor.

The dust shines bright under my flashlight,
Not a clean shelf to be seen.
A basement of old collections,
Like my 8-tracks of Queen.
I haven’t worn these pants since Ronald Reagan died.
Should’t hoard it in; It’s spring cleaning time.

Go trade stuff in for cash only.
Hold a yard sale, put ads in the Swap Sheet
Make your deals steals. Mark it down low.
Price it to go!

Priced to go! Marked down low!
Can’t keep my stuff anymore
Sell these clothes! And all those!
I’m clearing out my stores!

I can’t save all my yesterday’s.
My nostalgia’s gone-
I need cash to pay my bills anyway.

I’ll pack these Care Bears bed sheets
Go drop them at Goodwill,
But I’ll list these pumps on eBay:
Nike Air collectibles!

This canopy I never used,
Worn bowling, golf, and tennis shoes.
No baby clothes, no guarantees.
Junk free!

Priced to go! O.B.O.!
Friday opening rain or shine
Ten-year old curios
No fair offers declined.

No pay plans
Or layaway.
Let the cash roll in!

My driveway’s filled with shoppers’ cars from all around.
My sale has got early bird bargain hunters to abound.
And one item is overlooked by all the pack.
I’ll cut the price in half:
A classic Nordic Track!

Let things go! ‘Cause they’re old!
The cupboards empty from now on.
Hoarding’s so years ago,
That cluttered mess is gone!

Sales until
Midday Saturday.
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“China! Why China?”

Great Wall Guardhouse

Smog covers the distant snaking segments at the Great Wall of the real China.

One question I have never been able to answer is “What do you do?”

Of course, people mean “Where do you work?” Or, broadly, “How are you occupied?”

It is not an unfair question. Without it, I don’t think Americans could ever start a conversation. But for a timid soul like me, who dreads introductions and supplying an answer about work because I ether haven’t had a job or I haven’t had one I could describe without embarrassment, the question is a quick way to shame me and kill any social standing I may have otherwise had. It is like going to the library with overdue fines on my account. I could fill my book bag with all the titles like Never Break Eye Contact: Social Networking Strategies Guaranteed to Dominate Your Peers and How to Convince Women to Fall in Love With You at First Sight – all the subjects of a young man’s social potential- but once I scanned my card at the check-out, once I had to fess up that I was jobless and practically penniless, I would be denied, told simply of the bad news that my library card, and social options, had been blocked.

When I was a college student, I had to make the dreaded rounds with not only every person I met but with every curious acquaintance who heard that I was in college. “What’s your major?” they would ask reactively. (I’ve asked it, too- everyone does- and that is what aggravates me.)

I would respond in a mumble, trying to avoid eye contact, “I’m an English major.”

Some would outright scoff and rebuke me, “What are you going to do with that?”

Others, more polite, would smile uncomfortably and only criticize me mentally. He was supposed to say something impressive related to computers, science, or business. Their restraint of open judgment wore heavier on my heart than the snide jeers.

Still others, trying to be optimistic, would follow up by asking, “So, are you gonna be a teacher?” English graduates have no industry, but public schools are always hiring. Problem was, I hated the idea of returning to public school and becoming like so many of the pedants, graying social revolutionaries, and shameless eccentrics who called themselves English teachers. And, spend my days trying to maintain authority over a classroom full of kids like the ones I went to school with, or worse? No, thanks.

“No,” I would reply. Try and make lemonade with that.

“Oh,” they would say. Conversation- and any further social relationship- over.

My dilemma was that I had entered into my English studies with certain post-graduate expectations. But two jaded years later, I was despondent and desperate just to graduate, bargaining with myself that all I needed was enough credits for a diploma. Then I would never have to step foot inside a classroom again.

My misery was predictably unalleviated once I left college for the “real” world. I faced further volleys of “What are you going to do?” and had to make up weak and vague answers, or tell people the plain truth and flatly reply that I had no job, no leads, and no ideas to begin a job search. Or, if I were employed at the time, that I was working part-time in a position meant for students or ne’er-do-wells.

The soul can only tolerate being crushed for so long.

After a few fruitless, post-graduation years, I began entertaining, seriously, the idea of teaching English overseas. I had heard people talk about their foreign teaching experience glowingly, and I had seen schools and agencies advertise abundantly online.

Sadly, while living with my parents and still working part-time, my energy was low and my overseas search was slow. But I remember at one point, finally finding a big agency for recruiting English as a Second Language (ESL) teachers, and deliberating between China and South Korea. Korea seemed to be the most popular destination for ESL teachers, and I was interested in the country and the people, but I already had a sense of what it was like. China, on the other hand… what did it even look like?

Also the Great Wall

Unlike I expected, the actual Great Wall is a very slippery climb. I fell three times.

Besides the decorations inside every Chinese restaurant, the colorful outfits and costumes worn during Chinese New Year celebrations and in Chinese historical films, and not counting cultural icons like the Great Wall, what did China really look like? I mean, if I walked around a neighborhood in China, drove through its streets, or went shopping there, what would it be like? What was the everyday experience?

At that time, still searching online, I didn’t have the courage to take the plunge. About two years later, after a series of events I will soon detail, I was still in America, but with a teaching contract signed and an apartment secured in China. The strong force able to pull me out of my malaise and my parents’ house was not my courage, it was my contacts- knowing a friend from China.

Starting as a teacher in the upcoming school year- in China- meant I had a surprising, yet un-prideful, answer when I bumped into old friends and they asked me, “So, what are you up to?”

One casual acquaintance, a man encroaching on middle age with a stern and somewhat stiff, awkward demeanor, gave me a startled reaction.

“China!” he said, bridling his head and looking stunned, “Why China?” Dark images of communism probably swam through his head; he had seen its after-effects as a Marine touring through the former Eastern Bloc states.

I gave him the short answer, the comfortable answer, about making a friend who referred me to a school in China, but I had a longer, full answer that I kept to myself.

When I was a child, I was taken by Japan, and so I thought, all things Asia. I loved eating at Chinese restaurants and I became intrigued by seeing the smooth faces of people with hair so black it glistened in the light. Listening to them talk to each other in incomprehensible languages was an ignorant fascination. I didn’t know much about the cultures of the Far East, but I compiled a visual vocabulary from martial arts movies, Nintendo, and the pop culture detritus that had traversed the Pacific and washed onto American shores in the form of cartoons, toys, colorful images, mentions in casual conversation, movies, and TV.

When the subject of culture came up in school, I would compare the contrasting examples. “In America,” the text might say, “people like to shake hands firmly, maintain eye contact, and speak their feelings directly. In Fig. 1A, John is giving his colleague Carl what is known as “a hard time.” Conversely, in Japanese culture, the people bow in greeting, they prefer to lower their gaze and speak modestly, and always respectfully to superiors. In Fig. 1B, Suzuki-sensei frowns at the blushing Tanaka-san to teach him a proper sense of shame.” I would almost always find my personal habits or preferences described in the Japanese or Chinese characteristics. Not only did I align more with Oriental forms of politeness, I thought they were better. Why don’t we do that here? I wanted to know.

Over the years, as I sampled more entertainment media, I developed a finer understanding of the distinct cultures in the Orient, or what is now cravenly called Asia or East Asia, and I could correctly pigeonhole all the most intriguing cultural aspects according to country. I might hear people ask where Sumo wrestling was from (“Is it China? I thought it was Japan”) and confirm their suspicion, or correct someone who confused kung-fu and karate. Simple trivia, I know, but it was a treasured catalog in my imagination.

Plus, I had always felt an innate and inexplicable connection to Japan and its related cultures. Growing up, I not only took a secret interest in these foreign cultures, people often told me my face looked like I was half-Chinese, Japanese, or part Vietnamese. I can’t explain the mysterious inward and outward attractions. I could only respond to ethnic guesses with the disappointing news that both my parents were white and my family came to America long ago from Germany and Norway.

So, I had lived a young lifetime sensing that I needed to go live among these countries and explore them. I had to see if they matched my mind’s eye and I could feel as comfortable there as I assumed.

And although I probably would have preferred living in Japan over China, the Land of the Rising Sun is notoriously expensive and difficult to assimilate into. The Japanese mind views the world according to in-groups and out-groups, and not speaking the language or being born to Japanese parents, on Japanese soil, made me a lifelong member of the out-group. Of course, thousands of expatriates have overcome the obstacles and realized their dreams to live for years- as a semi-permanent foreign guest- in Japan. But I had a link to China that secured where I would live in Asia. Knowing a native in a Chinese city would provide me a home base, so to speak, where I could begin my travels throughout the continent.

And again, I wanted to explore and uncover the mystery of China, that country impinging on the American consciousness with fears of economic dominance and military threat. China was so big, had so many people, and had such a long and detailed history that it was hard to manage mentally. I think I can safely say that the average American has a clouded image of China, formed by the sources I’ve already named: martial arts films, restaurants, and Chinese New Year decorations (red lanterns, firecrackers, bright dragon costumes); or, Americans imagine a gray, militant landscape of factories and school buildings, churning out an assembly line of cheap goods and math prodigies to overtake our economy.

I wanted to know the truth about China. I had heard the facts, but I wanted to feel firsthand what it was like to live among 1.3 billion people. The sage wisdom of Confucius had made its way inside the papers of American fortune cookies, but if I lived among Confucian, Chinese society, how would they actually behave? What was it like to wake up on the other side of the world?

Mantis vs. Culture

DSC_9681

No travel guide would be complete without the trite advice to be open to other cultures that are “not wrong, only different.” This vain reminder ought to be known to be smug and unctuous. Unless forced against their will to travel for business, overseas visitors are traveling in a foreign country precisely because they want to see new things and experience a different culture. A diner knows not to pick an ethnic restaurant, for example, unless his very intention is to find different foods eaten with different utensils.

Travel guides have to be know-it-alls though, and so they cannot share an experience without preaching how unique and praiseworthy every aspect of the foreign culture is, how Americans and others could only fail to see so because of their narrow, Western perspectives. Part of my mission is to refute this uncritical assumption. I am by no means down with foreign culture, up with America. I will spend many pages slicing other cultures to ribbons, but I also turn the point of my pen against the complacent absurdities and excesses cemented in my native land, where relevant to the topic. My need to write this came after my wide-eyed openness to Chinese culture became exhausted, my intention to see things as “only different” could no longer cohere with reality. Scanning their faces in shock, I could find no native neighbor who could comprehend my exasperation in language or in essence. How could I question this thing that the locals took for granted? Blank-faced, my Chinese companions would answer me, “That’s China.”

I believe I have been fair in my writing, but I have also been honest. If the crowds in China pushed me while grunting like beasts (a regular thing), I say so. When the young people behaved so much more innocently and charmingly than their sexual American peers, I give them credit for it. I am not shy to use humor and drastic realism to make points best made by humor and realism, and my exaggeration is proportional to the actual thing. In fact, in most cases where it appears as if I am exaggerating, I am only reporting. Marco Polo said that he had not even told the half of what he had seen in his travels; you might say I’ve included the other half. I have included my impressions of all aspects of Chinese life, so that means that the typically mundane features as the flat plain in comparison to the astoundingly high peaks of absurdities I witnessed. Be prepared to travel through both.

I have dispensed with the carefully chosen travel guide snapshots of the country and provided a good long peak behind the curtain. I will not hide China behind politeness and delicate phrasing, which were depleted in me by the fervent nationalistic pride for a nation that I did not believe deserved its boasts. I have not “focused on the good,” but I have not excluded it. This is one man’s complete, honest commentary and critique of his experiences in China, not a crafted survey of cultural highlights and historical knowledge.

I would rewrite the trite admonition of a travel guide to read “In America, we drive on the right, and in England they drive on the left. That is different. In China, I saw children defecate on both sides of the street. That is very different. Differences between cultures cannot always be classified as East versus West. It is often a question of decency versus depravity.” Please forgive my crassness. That is what I regularly, really saw. I do not “dwell on the bad” either, but I have included it without excusing it. I have plenty more to share other than talk about the filth I saw in the streets. I mention this at the start to forewarn of the shameful sights I wished I had not seen but could not ignore in my daily life, nor avoid in a full telling of my time overseas.

I might make it sound like I have made it my mission to wage a one-man polemic against China, using caustic criticism as my weapon. No, that is not right. I have the need to unburden my heart of the grievous experiences, but I want to preserve and honor the friendships of the Chinese people who were so generous and welcoming to me. Perhaps I will fail in this. I have strained to make my trenchant points against my timid hesitations. I did not want to speak criticisms that would likely seem undue to my Chinese friends. In China, I was often on the receiving end of hospitality and kind attention that I have never known in America. I met simple people who had no cultural pretense to guard themselves with, and so eagerly sought to engage with me in smiling conversation. Some of them were thrilled to meet me only because I was a young American with a “charming” smile and an interest in China. We struggled to communicate, but our words were so often naked and genuine. I cannot say the same for my home culture. I have enjoyed no such celebrity or welcome in the places familiar to me. And though I have failed to carve out a place for myself in American society, I can say with confidence that if I had found comfort enough in China I could be living there now, making quick friends among people who often admired and accepted me with open arms.

So, who am I? How did I come by this Chinese experience? And what makes it worth reading about?

As I alluded, my name is not noteworthy. I have no credentials or credits to speak of. My time in China was lived as a not atypical expatriate, a foreign English teacher in a small (by Chinese standards) city. My account is noteworthy in that it is representative of a foreigner’s experience in the heart of the mysterious Middle Kingdom, and in so far as the words are written with precision and penetration. I describe- with my own voice- what it was like to live in the real China. I never ventured into very rural Western China, and I only spent a week traveling in the South. Most of my time was spent in the East, not many provinces removed from the coast, towards the center of China’s shifting population mass. I saw the major cities and toured several provinces- getting a sense of urban, modernizing China- but mostly I lived in Anhui province, splitting my time between two cities that do not have much reputation in or outside of China.

I refer to it as the “real China” because that is how a Chinese professor described it to me. He rightly discussed how most foreign visitors rarely make it out of Beijing, Shanghai, or the other major cities to push into the interior and see the cities that most Chinese live in, the places most representative of developing China. I saw mega-cities, growing urban zones and outlying towns, and even a few farm villages, but the majority of my experience was lived in the real China, cut off from ex-pat communities and tourist areas. I got a strong sense of what it was like to live the Chinese way, with the infrastructure and amenities that the Chinese were used to.

This then is not an ex-pat’s self-indulgent adventures around the magnificent, wonderful, and exotic locales of a foreign land. It is a condensed, topical view into the real thing, a place at once ordinary, bizarre, and surreal, a place I have found every American I have discussed it with to be fascinated by.

Instead of giving a walk-through tour of a historical home, pointing out interesting trivia and names and dates, I have written what I experienced as a real guest in the home- how the hosts lived, how they behaved, how they talked, what we ate. I am not alone in my Chinese experiences, and most of them will be confirmed by any ex-pat who has spent enough time there.

I have met Americans who simply shook their head when asked about China, or who made no secret of their resentment of their former foreign home, but also I met those who were more than happy to be there and had found a place for themselves in China. I was hoping to be in the latter group. Disappointed, I do not think it fair to air my bitterness as a man who turned out mostly jaded like the former group. I am telling the truth about China, gathered from my individual experiences being immersed in the real thing. To tell the truth, I have to overcome my reservations about revealing the bad of my friends’ home culture, and I also have to cut through the two main excuses that were given to cover every frustrating problem of my friends’ homeland.

First, spoken testily, was “You don’t understand China.” This conceit imagined that foreigners’ complaints were the result of ignorance, narrowness, dullness, or cultural misunderstanding, not from a genuine moral offense, which I believed they were. I argue throughout that the greatest threat to China’s sensitive ego is when foreigners do understand China, when they get to see her for what she really is. I will say what the real experience is like for a common visitor or foreign resident, so sensitive readers who want China to be exalted as a mysterious and ancient civilization should be advised to look elsewhere.

Second, I regularly heard the natives say with a shrug, “That’s China.” They would smirk at infants peeing in public, crowds pushing and scrambling to get through the queue for the bus, or cars whizzing past elderly women hobbling aimlessly through a busy intersection and say, “That’s China.” I realized that they could either dismiss things cutely or confront the craziness, which would mean having to carry the weight of the distressing sights on their conscience. I have elected to do battle with the anguish on my soul. I will not let my sorrows fester in silence. These stories are worth telling, and I believe the arguments and cultural criticisms are valid and incisive- for Chinese, for Americans, and for all others who need another’s eyes to help them see their own culture.

My experiences, my observations, my opinions, and the details of my time in China are written out in the following. I have written truthfully- at times humorously so, sorrowfully so, and uncomfortably, offensively so. Let the reader be advised and weigh my account for what it is worth.

Mantis
A D 2015

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